Isn't TTC Supposed To Be Fun?

He's Here!

2009-11-26T23:16:00.001-05:00

My little turkey made his appearance in the world today. He is absolutely PERFECT and I'm SO in love. I will post tomorrow with details, but due to my current energy level (I've fallen asleep 3 times during this so far..., I'll just leave you with a couple pictures!

In The Hospital

2009-11-25T22:27:00.000-05:00

Head over to http://babybumbleb.com for our latest adventure- being admitted into Labor & Delivery and our possible Turkey Day c-section!

A Long Week!

2009-11-09T13:45:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the comments on my last post. One night last week I had one of the worst nights in a long time. I was having BH/contractions every 3 minutes. It was awful. Some were painful, all were uncomfortable and full of pressure. I didn't call my office because they don't give a crap about me and my contractions. The only person I can actually get to care is my actual doctor and she's impossible to get to, so there really is no point. I took some Tylenol, laid on a heating pad, laid on my side, drank tons of water... Nothing. Finally at like midnight, totally exhausted, I took a hot bath. That helped with the discomfort and pressure. I was still having them, but they were bearable, so I went to sleep. Then at 4 when the husband got up I was still having them. At 8 when I got up I was having them sporatically but not bad. I put myself on bed rest the rest of the day.

I called the Dr office to at least see if there was something else I could do. They said "take tylenol... lay on your side.... lay on a heating pad.... drink water...." Did all that. I asked the nurse to tell my doctor that I called because I already have a shortened AND softened cervix and she's been keeping an eye on my contractions and cervix. I bet one bajillion dollars she didn't. I'll find out at my appointment on Thursday! And if she didn't get the message, I hope someone gets in huge trouble. I am so sick of this office it's absolutely ridiculous. If I didn't like my Dr so much, I would be GONE already...

I especially hate the contractions because when I have them, I can't feel the baby move at all. So I don't know if he is and I can't feel it, or if he's hating them as much as I am. I know they are "Just BH" but with the frequency and severity of them that I'm having, they can still cause cervical changes. I'll just have that home birth that so many women are DYING to have because my dang doctor's office can't care worth a doodle!

But since then I've felt pretty good. I take baths every night and that helps a lot. We have a huge jacuzzi bath tub so it's great. Another thing that I have noticed is that I can't eat a lot or that causes me to feel like crap and have contractions too. I'm trying to learn what helps and what hinders since I'm the only one that wants to help myself!

I had my baby shower yesterday and it was SO MUCH FUN! I got tons of stuff for the baby and got to see a lot of people! I have the best friends and family! You can read a recap of the day over at Baby Bumble B :)

Today the baby made me pee my pants. I had just peed, but he found some drops I had missed I guess and just squeezed them right out. It was kinda funny!

Just Cause It's Halloween Doesn't Mean You Can Scare Me

2009-10-30T14:47:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my 30 week OB appointment. We are now measuring 3 weeks behind. You may remember at 28 weeks we were measuring 2 weeks behind. So the doctor ordered an US to check his size.

I went in this morning and saw my little man. The US tech said his head is lower than she's seen in years and years. She couldn't get over how low he was. 2nd tech to tell me that this week! She said my fluid was good, he was proportional, but small at 2lbs 11ozs. She then proceeds to have me sit in the waiting area for the Dr.

Okay, this may not sound like a big deal to you, but this office is notorious (in my book) to drop the ball and send me packing. So for her to make me wait kinda freaked me out a little. I was planning on waiting anyways because I wanted to know the deal, but for her to tell me too...

Then she comes out and says "She's (the doctor) not here yet, and I'm not sure when she will be, but you have to wait because I need to show her these pictures."

Ummmm. I started to freak. I was almost in tears in the waiting room. Like WTF is wrong with my baby?! Christopher was at work and I was texting him with NO answer. It was awful.

Then she comes out a few minutes later "Okay! Everything looks great! She's happy! She said you can go!"

Wow. Way to scare the living shit out of me.

I told Christopher I don't care if he gets FIRED. If I am in a situation like that ever again he is to be there no questions asked. I can't deal without him. He's seriously my rock, and I can't be alone in situations like that. The other day I got sick and puked everywhere all over myself in my car(wanted to know that huh?!) and he left his meeting to see what was wrong. I'm BAWLING (because I'm a baby) and tell him I got sick all over myself. I was expecting a "That sucks babe, but seriously? this isn't a big deal" but instead he was so so sweet and sounded so upset for me and talked to me for a really long time until I was feeling better. Because by that point I was crying about getting sick, I was crying because I have crazy hormones, and then it turned into how much I miss him and I hate how he works all the time and I want to spend more time with him to just blubbering crazy woman. And he was so sweet the entire time.

I just love him.

So the moral of this story- Baby is low, skinny like his daddy, I will be jealous of them both for the rest of my life, Christopher has to go with me everywhere at all times and never leave my side, and I am crazy.

Bad Blogger

2009-10-28T14:27:00.002-04:00

I have been a bad blogger over here! I just don't have a lot to talk about. I've been blogging at Baby Bumble B a lot. I had a 4D US Sunday and you can read about it there if you'd like. I just hate to talk about my super fabulous pregnancy here all the time, but I've been pretty miserable and I absolutely don't want to complain here since I remember wishing this crap on myself. SOOO I've just been sitting back, keeping up with everyone, but not having much to say.

I have an appointment tomorrow and hopefully a cervical check. My belly has definitely gotten bigger so I'm crossing my fingers for a normal size measurement this week!

Not REALLY The News I Wanted To Hear

2009-10-15T19:04:00.002-04:00

Today I finally had my appointment (since they screwed it up last week). They went ahead and just did my glucose test while I was there. I told my doctor that I still continue to have Braxton Hicks all the time and they are 50/50 painful/not painful. She checked me (and it hurt! What's up with that?!) and said "oh! His head is right there!" Ummm yeah... I know... She said I was closed up but still a little short. She said she was probably going to do an ultrasound at my next appointment. She measured me and said we are two weeks behind, that I'm only measuring 26 weeks. I am 28 today. I don't really know what to think about that. She mentioned the US again, so I don't know if she's going to check him out or not. She said I was long waisted so that was probably why..?

I've only gained 5 pounds this whole pregnancy, and yes while I joke about how nice it is, now it's annoying me because is my baby too small? What's going on? I eat all the time. It's not like I'm starving us. I'm not really worried, just kinda like "what...?" It's frustrating. I'm just having a very hormonal pregnancy week and have tons to complain about, but I won't!

I'm up to appointments every 2 weeks now, which I like a lot!

Hope everyone remembered today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance Day! I wrote a little post about it on Bumble B. I also bought a domain for it, so no blogspot anymore! You can still use the same URL I believe, but the new one is now http://www.babybumbleb.com! Pretty nifty huh?

Hubster-Isms!

2009-10-10T13:59:00.001-04:00

I started Hubster-ism's over on Little Baby Bumble B! It sounds like so much fun to me! I'd love for you to participate! Just blog and submit the silly thing your hubster says. And I KNOW they say a lot of silly things. They're boys... ;)

Want to read more hubster-isms or join the fun and submit one of your own?

Just Annoyed

2009-10-06T12:55:00.003-04:00

My Doctor's office deserves a gold medal for being the most unorganized crap hole on earth.

I had an appointment this morning. Yesterday I realized I hadn't gotten a reminder call so I wanted to make sure it was still on. I call the main office, which I HATE. They said I wasn't on the schedule at all and to call the small office (that I go to) and talk to my dr's nurse to see if she can get me in anyways.

So I call. And I call. And call. Call. Call. Call. I leave 2 messages. Nothing.

So at 9 this morning I called and it turns out my appointment WAS there at 8:40, but it didn't show my name because I'm "BLOCKED" because I have a balance. ??WTF??

So she makes me a new appointment at the main office with a midwife. I asked "Are they going to make me pay that whole balance?" (400+ dollars btw) and she said "ummm may be just like 250." Well I can't do that. I can do like 50 that's it, and she said to try, that should be fine. Well I have been turned away at this main office before for money issues. PLUS this midwife knows nothing about me. Nothing about my cervical history. So even if I get BACK THERE it'll be a waste of time because I'll have to explain everything and try to get her to check me.

I have nothing against midwives, but I'm not the most routine pregnancy in the world. I would like to be seen by MY DOCTOR. I would like to be checked by MY DOCTOR. I want to talk about my lack of weight gain to MY DOCTOR. Not someone that doesn't know me!

I know once I am in the hospital chances of having my doctor are like nothing, but that's okay. I'm having the baby. It's all over. But up until that point, I want MY DOCTOR.

So I just called and said I wasn't going and I wanted the next available with MY DOCTOR at the small office. So October 15th, here we come...

So annoying.

BTW! I am having a giveaway at Little Baby Bumble B! Come see!

Thanks For The Support!

2009-10-02T11:18:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all of the support yesterday. I decided to make a new blog on Blogger. The new link is http://littlebabybumbleb.blogpost.com. Once I get a spare ten bucks I'm going to host it and have the blogspot removed!

I'm planning a HUGE giveaway! I am really excited about it. So please keep checking back. I plan on being here just as much as always and reading up on all my girls!

New Home?

2009-10-01T12:32:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking for awhile about moving or changing my name.

If all goes accordingly, I will have a baby soon. I won't be trying to get preggers or stay preggers anymore. My blog will be alllll about my baby boy and my adventures in first time motherhood, cloth diapering, life, breastfeeding, etc.

I love this blog and it really helped me through some tough times. I still want to keep this blog and talk about loss (because let's face it, the pain never goes away.) and infertility thoughts, and it's my first HOME! I still have my parents' house number programmed in my cell phone as "home" and I haven't lived there in almost 7 years. It's where I grew up, and this blog is where I grew up.

I was thinking about just starting a whole new one under this same profile, but with this new blog I want everyone to see. All my real life friend's too. I DON'T want them to see this one, because I talk about really private stuff, and sometimes, them.

So I have decided to start all over. What a pain. Now, Blogger or Wordpress?

I want to hopefully somehow monetize with my new blog and make it better than ever. Since I have no job basically (read yesterday's post) I should have time to put in some effort.

I just feel for me that once this baby comes, it would be rude to continue acting like I'm a loss/infertile girl and talk about Bumble B all the time. And I want a place that everyone can come to. Is this weird?

I'd love thoughts on moving and my feelings!

Here is my first sweet baby girl Cinderella loving on her little brother Bumble B this morning. He continuously kicks her all night and day, and she doesn't mind one bit. I hope she's this content when he shows up ;)

BTW, I added captcha to my comments temporarily. I am having a spammer spam my posts so for a little while that'll be on! I'm sorry! I hate them too!!!!

99 days! Plus an award!

2009-09-30T10:50:00.006-04:00

Look at my little floating baby! 99 days left! Wow!

Wow that's like 3 months. 3 months and I'll have a KID.

Thanks to everyone for their cloth diapering advice. I have gotten tons of comments and Tweets. It has been GREAT! It's still a little mind boggling, but I think I have narrowed it down to a cover with an insert. All-In-2 I think?

Currently I am listening to Britney Spears' new single "3" over and over. If you are new, I am a die hard Britney fan. I love her. Always have, always will! I went to her concert in March and it was AMAZING! Her new song is... um... about a threesome... But whatever. I love her and it's so dang catchy. I hope Bumble B appreciates it now, in the womb, cause I probably won't let him listen to this one when he comes out.

Listening, that brings me to my next concern. My current FREAK OUT is this kid's hearing. He never jumps at loud noises. I have had two+ hands worth of ultrasounds and had a doppler, and oh yeah, went shooting a few weeks not even THINKING about his poor little ears. So now I am absolutely paranoid that he can't hear. Anyone else not have an easy startler in the womb????

I'm also looking for a job. I have THREE SHIFTS next month. We have NO MONEY and can't pay our house payment/rent for September. And yeah, October is tomorrow. So IDK what we're going to do. So I'm making a resume, and it's HARD!!! My husband is seeing if there are any admin jobs at his work for me. No one is going to hire a 7 month pregnant girl, so I don't know what I'm thinking. But I'm applying to a Vet Receptionist position, bank position, and hopefully something at his work. Worth a try. Can't say I didn't try when we're living on the street, right? For the record we got in this awful hole we are in right now because we overpaid a dang bill and now I think every single check of ours covers negative fees. We can't get out of the hole. I am going to go to a SouthernSavers.com workshop next month. Hopefully that'll help our wallets. I cut up the hubster's debit card and gave him an allowance hehe. I'm just going to stay home as much as possible. We live pretty far away from everything, so gas is a B. My work is 27 miles away... It's just really obnoxious because I get paid $25 dollars an hour, but there are no positions anywhere in my field. So ridiculous. Money is hard, and it's gotten ridiculously unmanageable these last 2-3 months, and I'm about to have a baby to feed and clothe... Thankfully I have tons of clothes, boobies, a pump, and hopefully some cloth diapers that I can wash with my well water and not have to worry about a water bill. We don't have car payments or cable or internet, so there isn't anything to cut out. Christopher may be getting a major pay raise (where they are changing his job title) and it can triple his salary. That would OBVIOUSLY be ideal! Then I wouldn't have to worry about working period ;) But I don't want to put my hopes into that. It's like hoping for the lottery. Too good to be true... What I would love it to get my computer fixed and get my Photoshop back and do website design (i used to have one, I miss it sometimes...), make blog templates, make custom graphics, siggies, for a little money. Then I could manage an Etsy shop for my mom (who is AMAZING and can make all that stuff people sell for $30 on Etsy) and try to take my blog to a new and different level. Just work at home!

I saw this yesterday on spearmint baby. I'm definitely getting a lime green A for my little Bumble B's nursery! It'll go PERFECTLY! It's only $12 on Etsy!

Here is a silly picture of my little one. He has his mommy's badonkadonk I think! (PLEASE excuse the panties! Sorry!)

ANYWAYS! One of the fabulous girls I met on Twitter during my cloth diaper crusade gave me an award! I feel so loved! Thanks to The Eco Chic! You're so helpful and SWEET!!

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award: USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2.Your hair? unbrushed
3. Your mother? BFF
4. Your father? Funny
5. Your favorite food? Pickles!
6. Your dream last night? Camper
7. Your favorite drink? DietCoke
8. Your dream/goal? Rich ;)
9. What room are you in? Dining
10. Your hobby? Internet
11. Your fear? Alligators
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? WAHM
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. Something that you aren’t? Working (LOL)
15. Muffins? Blueberry!!!!
16. Wish list item? iTouch
17. Where did you grow up? Charleston
18. Last thing you did? BBM
19. What are you wearing? Jacket
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? LOVE
22. Friends? Moved
23. Your life? Hectic
24. Your mood? Hungry
25. Missing someone? hubster
26. Vehicle? Beetle
27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra!
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? Christopher
33. One place that I go to over and over? ??
34. One person who emails me regularly? Babycenter
35. Favorite place to eat? Depends...

I'd like to pass this award on to all the girls that have been helping me with cloth diapering or have fabulous cloth diapering blogs I have found helpful!
1. Paisleys and Pretties
2. Marni's Organized Mess
3. Impatient With PCOS
4. Raising Our Little Bean
5. Working On It
6. Mrs. Spock
7. Heather from EverGreen Moms
8. Sunny In Seattle
9. Hass Family Blessings
10. Mrs. Gamgee
There were more girls on Twitter, but I don't know their blogs! Sorry if I skipped you!

Cloth Diapering

2009-09-28T12:22:00.006-04:00

I've been saying I want to cloth diaper this whole pregnancy. But every time I look and research, my head spins. There is so much information, I just quit.

However today, I think I have narrowed down what I WANT. And 2 types of diapers out there that coniside with my wishes hehe.

I want a diaper that you can reuse over and over as long as it is not soiled. Just change the inserts or prefolds. BumGenious is coming out with a new one called Flip that does this. Also, Cotton Babies has one called Econobum that do this and are cheap. I'm doing this because we have all of a sudden become poor LOL. So I think these would be our best bet.

Are there other brands/diapers that do the same thing that I'm missing??

Anyone have suggestions for me? PLEASE help me!

Update- I have learned that groBaby does the same, but they're more expensive. And from what I may understand is that you don't have to use their pads, you can use whatever??

Many thanks to http://fentonslee.blogspot.com/ for all the help she's giving me on Twitter!

25 weeks!

2009-09-24T13:30:00.002-04:00

Wow 25 weeks! Just 2 more weeks until 7 months and 3 weeks until 3rd trimester!

BTW thanks for the support and encouraging words. Hubster and I are doing great :) Nothing like some pregnancy hormones to scare the shit out of him!

Getting Better

2009-09-21T08:06:00.003-04:00

Things are better with me and hubster. We still didn't have the shower because like I said, he spent all the money. I was really really disappointed. I really wanted that shower, but oh well I guess. I think he finally realized how upset I was when I got drastic and told him how I really felt and how I feel every time he lies to me (always about money and drinking FTR) and how he's been a jerk with his friend around. He has been a lot more attentive. Let's see how long this lasts... I think I woke him up when I said I didn't want to bring a baby into his world of lying and money issues he causes. When I said I didn't want his baby (of course I WANT THIS BABY. But if I wasn't pregnant now, I probably would put it on hold) he got really really upset and totally changed his tune. Hopefully not that we are having Bumble B he will wake up and realize he's 30 freaking years old and needs to grow up and wake up. So anyways... Thanks for all the comments! They meant a lot! :D

Question...: Anyone have any idea where McMama gets these pants for her middle son? I love them and want them.

Cancelled

2009-09-18T12:35:00.004-04:00

So the Daddy Shower has been cancelled. I almost feel like my marriage has too. I can't keep living like this, keep forgiving my husband for constantly lying, and just relive it over and over and over. I just wrote his "BFF" an email and kicked him out (he's staying with us for almost a stinkin month). Let's see if he leaves or Christpher chooses him over me.

V Day!

2009-09-17T09:33:00.002-04:00

Today is Bumble B's viability day! He is 24 weeks today and has a good chance to live outside of the womb in case something were to happen! I can't believe that I may actually be having a baby! One of my own! It's crazy!

My nieces and BIL and SIL came in yesterday. I haven't seen the girls since February. Let me tell you, 7 months makes a HUMONGOUS difference in a 2 and 4 year old! They are completely different and so incredibly grown. It's amazing. I can't stop looking at them. They look so different and their personalities have evolved so much. R is such a great big sister and J has turned into a DIVA! R can walk on her hands, do an amazing cartwheel, and bend back into a bridge. I could never do any of that. She flips off of the swing set, it's crazy. J's hair has grown like 6 inches it seems. She's got beautiful curly cues and is speaking in complete sentences, and I can understand everything she says!

This weekend I am throwing Christopher a Daddy's Shower! We are having it at an apartment complex that my SIL's sister works for. There will be a pool, boy food (pizza, wings, etc) and Christopher's team (Tampa Bay) will be playing, plus we're having Madden 2010 tournaments. He and his brother are planning on making a bracket and all this stuff. I figured they'd just "play winner" but they are really getting into it. There is a pool, but I have a feeling they won't be using it. Christopher's brother and best friend are both stationed halfway across the country and are BOTH in this weekend, so I really wanted to do something. His brother is really bummed that he's missing out on the baby, and Christopher is so incredibly excited about the baby, I really believe that he deserves a little celebration with his friends too!

I got us some tshirts for the event, and they came in yesterday!

Cervical Length is a Pain

2009-09-08T14:32:00.003-04:00

I had a doctor's appointment today. I know, again. This was my regularly scheduled appointment.

We talked about my cervical length. She said it was 3cm. She said it wasn't funneling or dilating, which is obviously fantastic, but it was a little short. She said at 2.5cm she would normally do a cerclage. She said she could do one, but she thinks it would just hurt more than help (I'm guessing she meant "piss your cervix off") at this point. She said she is expecting it to be shorter because of my LEEP (2 years ago due to moderate to severe dysplasia). The doctor last week said there is an outside cervix and inside cervix and my outside felt fine. The way my doctor this week is talking it sounds like my outside is shortened? Anyways, she said if I ever feel that pressure or pain I did last week again, to STOP what I'm doing and rest. She said listen to my body and do what it says.

So I read up on Keep Em Cookin' (if you have not been to that site. GO NOW! It's full of fantastic info and the girl who runs it and the Twitter, @keepemcookin is so great!) and it says 4-4.5 is normal for my gestation and 2.5 and under is cause for concern. So I'm in the middle low of that. But if she's expecting me to be a bit short, that's okay...?

I felt like I asked all the right and great questions at the appointment and now I feel at loss again. Has anyone else had a LEEP, been at 3cm at 21-23 weeks but had no other troubles at all? I was 21w5d when the ol' cervix was measured, 22w5d today. Should I be concerned, or just chillax like my doctor is telling me to? I'm glad she said to listen to my body. I think I have been and I have felt stupid for it, but she reassured me that that's okay!

In other appointment news, all of the results from last week's US on Bumble B's little spine didn't go through on the computer so I had to have another. Oh darn! He was finally FACE UP! He's always been face down! So I got his FIRST PROFILE PIC! I love him so so so much! He looks just like his daddy already! His has my old chin though (overbite that resulted in years and thousands of dollars to fix). He's so so so stinkin cute though. So ugly he's ADORABLE. I just want to hold him and kiss him and love on him. Looking at that little face I forget about all of our money troubles and worries about working and how we're going to handle this and all I can think about it "Oh my gosh. That is my little boy that looks like us and I want to hold him and kiss him and never ever ever ever let him go." I don't know HOW I will make it these next 15-17 weeks! I just can't wait to love on him!

22 week survey & pictures!

2009-09-03T11:13:00.005-04:00

How far along? 22 weeks today!
Total weight gain/loss: 4 pounds up!
Maternity clothes? I have to wear maternity pants (even though the XSs are falling off) or a bellaband. But the bella band is really hurting my stomach these days. I wear some of the maternity shirts, just the fitted ruched ones.
Sleep: Insomnia has gone away a bit. I go to sleep at like 8, pee at 3, sometimes 5, then up around 8!
Best moment this week: My husband FOR SURE felt the baby. He has before but wasn't convinced. His face just LIGHTS UP when he feels him! I LOVE it
Movement: All the time. The internet says he's supposed to sleep 12-14 hours a day. Not mine. He even wakes me up moving, so I know he's not sleeping then either! LOL
Food cravings: Pickles and Ice cream! How funny, right?!
Gender: DEFINITELY a boy! :)
Labor Signs: Had some Braxton Hicks. Umm, NOT un-painful ones. Thankfully no preterm labor! That awful pressure was worrying me!
Belly Button in or out? Still in... still stretching all around. As soon as I "pop" it won't have a prayer
What I miss: Margaritas and cold ham
What I am looking forward to: My shower in November hehe
Weekly Wisdom: Don't do housework. It makes you contract. Just stay in bed :)
Milestones: Had another US! 4 chamber heart and LSpine ARE there! Yaaay!

21w5d

When I am exasperated with Christopher

This is one of my BFFs Ashley. She had a Princess Prince themed birthday party for her one year old. She had crowns for all the kids, and she even got a little miniature one for Bumble B! Isn't that so sweet? She is probably the only person that really acknowledges him as a REAL person, not just a baby in my belly. I love it :)

Christopher put together the crib! Who wants to come paint?!

All his clothes so far hehehe. One has a snail and says "Worth The Wait". I got that onsie a loooooong time ago. So happy to finally put MY BABY in it!

A Trip To The Doctor!

2009-09-01T15:43:00.003-04:00

Last night I started having some pretty painful (well, I think so. I haven't had real labor obviously) Braxton Hicks. Enough to make me stop my sentence and whine and complain. I knew they weren't real contractions since my whole belly wasn't getting hard, just one side, the other, or in the middle. They hurt no matter what my position I was in. I had about 10 in 45 min-1 hour. I drank a bunch of water and went to sleep.

Today they just got more and more painful. I had a friend US me. She did a trans abdominal and said she couldn't tell if it was short or not (knowing this wasn't accurate, but my theory was, if it was really short, you'd be able to tell) because Bumble B's head is using my oh so fabulous cervix as a pillow and just burrowing his head right in! So I called the Dr and got in at 2:40.

I didn't get my regular doctor, but I didn't care. He checked me, said I was closed up, and I very nicely demanded an US to check my length. The tech just happened to have an opening at that moment, so I got to see my little man again! We got a look at the heart and LSpine that we couldn't get before since he was breach and had his BUTT in my cervix, not his head. He was pretty lazy and just chillin, not wanting to have pictures taken. Cervical length was good!

The doctor also measured my belly and said my weight gain (4 lbs!) and size (I think so small) were perfect. I told him some people said I was too little and he said nope, I was just little, so baby and I would stay little, but we were growing perfectly. That made me feel a lot better!

So basically the verdict of the day is- Baby's fine, I'm going to have painful Braxton Hicks for the remainder of my pregnancy. I'll be one of those lucky ladies. And you know, that's FINE! Now that I know the baby is fine and I'm fine and I know exactly what is going on, I can deal. Not knowing is the scary part!

21 Weeks Today

2009-08-27T11:22:00.003-04:00

Sorry I have been MIA. I haven't had much computer time or any real big updates to talk about!

Bumble B is still moving like crazy. He finally found the top 4-5 inches of uterus he's been ignoring and now I feel him higher than ever! He's really growing on my heart ;)

I have to say that this week, I am so so so thankful to my husband for giving me this baby! I just want to hold him now and play with him, but I know he has a good while to still bake.

The husband and I have both started dreaming about our live baby. His hair is dark and he likes baths and naps and has the sweetest laugh in the whole wide world. I can't wait to meet him!

BTW, we have shrunk ;)

20 Weeks!!!

2009-08-20T12:33:00.004-04:00

I am halfway done! I can't believe it! This is such a major milestone for me! I don't know if it is to all preggos out there, but this is so tremendous, and I'm not really sure why! 20 weeks just sounds PREGNANT to me! Like this is totally 100% real, and I am nearing the end. I seriously in all honesty never thought this moment would happen. This morning on my way to work the baby was having a 20 week party in my uterus. he was dancing and celebrating for sure! I think it tired him out because he's been sleeping for the last hour or two. This was a day I never thought I would make. In a month I will hit viability, and there may actually be a chance that I will have a real live baby soon. Wow!

Things I am experiencing, because I know you're DYING to find out!
1. I found stretch marks on my new beautiful baby boobies. Boo.
2. I'm turning into one of those paranoid freak moms. I registered for a breathable bumper, won't be using a positioner, and will have moving air in nursery at all times. I don't mind "leashes" because the thought of my child being snatched right from my hand scares the crap out of me. I sent a scary scary crash test baby video to my in laws because they think car seats are stupid. They're stupid...
3. My belly button is stretching. I have an outie in an innie and the innie part is starting to come out a little and there is another tiny innie under the main innie that you couldn't see unless you moved the big innie out of the way. Gross I know. Plus the bottom hole of my past belly button piercing is no longer IN my belly button. It's above it.
4. I have a HINT of a linea n-whatever. The dark line that cuts your belly in half. It's really low, not all the way to the mutant button yet.
5. 2nd trimester was supposed to be full of energy and sex? No way. I am so freaking tired I could die and sex? You have GOT to be kidding me. You know when you're constipated and have a huge poop stuck in your butt? That's what it feels like in my vagina. Go away leg humping husband.
6. Babycenter and TheBump newsletters jinxed me. I wasn't having midnight leg cramps until those biatches sent me about 28 emails warning me about them. Thanks y'all!
7. Baby boy showed off his man business Monday. On his uncle's birthday. I think that was a sign he's going to take after his Uncle M who never passes up a chance to chase my husband and his friend around with his wiener, delighting in their girlish screams and attempts to hide in closets and under tables with their poor faces covered.
8. Bumble B doesn't want to give all his love away yet. Definitely a mama's boy! He only kicks for me, and when daddy puts his hand on my belly, it's over. I'm considering exclusively breast feeding so he'll love me more than anyone else. How evil is that?
9. I realized that Caffeine Free Pepsi really doesn't taste bad. It almost tastes just like Diet. the hubster got me the wrong kind. I was so desperate I drank it anyways, and now if that's the only option, I have no qualms cause it's JUST as yummy!
10. Bumble B likes Sweettarts!!!!!

Frustrated

2009-08-19T13:29:00.002-04:00

So I'm on thebump.com and this girl is actually complaining about her friend who just had a miscarriage because her friend doesn't want to hear about her pregnancy. She is so incredibly insensitive about it, it's sickening. She's wondering if she is in the wrong or her friend, and all the girls say her friend is wrong.

I lost friends when I wasn't pregnant after my miscarriage. It sucked and I know it wasn't fair and I feel guilty for it, but it had to be done. And I have a friend who has ditched me completely since I have become pregnant, and yes it hurts A LOT, but I can't blame her one bit.

I would never in a million years wish a miscarriage on ANYONE, but I would wish these stuck up ignorant whores one MINUTE of the worst pain I felt through my miscarriage. They have no clue what it felt like to flush their baby down the toilet and then watch the people closest to them parade around with their bellies and joys.

Just because we get pregnant doesn't make IF or loss ANY easier or better. I still get pissed when I read about this kind of stuff. I even get upset still when I see my friends' babies' picture that were due when I was due. I get jealous sometimes when I see belly pictures. Totally stupid, I know, but it happens. It never ever goes away...

US and Registering!

2009-08-12T10:28:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was our anatomy scan and doctor's appointment. The US went great. On my end anyways... Little Bumble B is a constant wiggler and squirmer, which of course I knew and I love. However, making for a good anatomy scan, is not so great.

Everything that she could get looked GREAT. However she could not get a good enough shot of his 4-chamber heart or his LSpine because he's breach, sitting on his butt, legs Indian style, chillin with me. I think he might be a good lap sitter ;)

So UNFORTUNATELY I have to have another US in 4 weeks! I'm glad of course, because I love seeing that cute jackolantern face. I'm not too worried about the heart because I have seen the 4 chambers before. A little worried about the spine because the friend who did the US on Friday couldn't see it either. I know it's his position, but it still worries me a bit. I'm sure spina bifida could have been detected at the 12 week scan when he was sleeping like a log. And surely my friend would have caught it at 14 weeks. My BW for the baby and neural defects came back fine. I know they can be false negative and positive, but I wasn't worried. And he's moving his legs, so that's a good sign...

I'm sure it's nothing, but what mom isn't really a mom if she doesn't worry once in a while... Or all the time?!

Yesterday he also made a HUGE roll over and scared the living bajeesus out of me! I was just laying down, watching TV, hand on my belly and BAM! I jumped 10 feet! It was CRAZY. When will I get used to THAT?!

We also registered yesterday. OMG I was SPENT when we were done. I don't think I got out of bed the rest of the afternoon. We registered at Babies R Us and Target. We decided on a bedding that we liked a lot online but weren't sure about. We liked it a lot more in person. Plus it'll be easier and cheaper (on our part) than the pirate theme we were considering since we'd have to buy everything online from boutiques and stuff ourselves. The pack and play I want though is unfortunately only online. But may be a far away relative will get it and have it shipped. That'd be nice ;)

Here is a pic from my US. My absolute favorite. The past two scans he's been constantly sucking on that thumb! I LOVE it!
(Click for a larger view!)

Survey and Awards!

2009-08-10T11:32:00.003-04:00

How far along? 18 weeks and 4 days!
Total weight gain/loss: I lost 15, I think I've caught back up? I'll find out tomorrow at my Dr's appointment!
Maternity clothes? I love the pants. The panels are so comfy. IDK if I ever want to wear button up jeans again for the rest of my life hehehe
Sleep: Is disturbed at least 2 times because I have to pee. Sometimes I get really crappy insomnia and I'm awake for hours
Best moment this week: Feeling the baby kick from the outside. It scared the crap out of me! LOL
Movement: Lots when I'm sitting or laying still. A few good slugs felt from the outside. Hubster is totally left out though. Can't wait for him to catch one!
Food cravings: Sweets
Gender: Boy!
Labor Signs: No thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Well, I have an innie in an outie. It's still in there, but it's spreading a little, and I can see more in there than I could before
What I miss: A vodkarita. Drunk sex.
What I am looking forward to: Getting a big belly!
Weekly Wisdom: Eat before bed because at 18 weeks, you'll still puke n the morning if your stomach is empty!
Milestones: Heartbeats, movement, 2nd trimester, 5th month! :)

Here is my 18w4d belly pic, a bit bigger than 2 weeks ago!

Katie over at The Happy Hours knit and sent Austin this super cute hat with a Jeep on it, jut like his dad's ;) She's so creative! By far my favorite baby present yet!

I was nominated for this award by 4 bloggers! Thanks to Mrs. Bee, Michelle, Unproductively So, and Tammy!

I'm supposed to nominate 15 new blogs. I do have some new ones or refound ones that I love... How about just checking all my blogs over on the left hand?! They all have been nominated just about anyways LOL!
I'm especially loving The Southern Belle Baby and Journey of Faith. So those two are my official blog award winners!

Eli!

2009-08-03T12:01:00.007-04:00

A few weeks ago I posted about a friend being on bed rest. She was admitted into the hospital on STRICT bed rest at 23 weeks weeks with preterm labor and an incompetent cervix.

Yesterday, after being dilated 6cm and having contractions for DAYS, she gave birth to little Eli, 3 lbs 6 oz and was 16 1/4 inches long at 29w2d! He was born CRYING!

He is only on room air and a CPAP. His CPAP pressure has been decreased from 6 to 4 and if he continues on this AMAZING track, he'll just be on a nasal canula in a couple days! He is also sucking on a pacifier! He's doing GREAT and I couldn't be happier for Nicole and her husband Matt!

Nicole is seriously my hero. She had the most positive attitude on bed rest for 6 weeks. She never stepped a foot outside the month of July. She was still in great spirits when she was dilated 6cm for days and days, having contractions on and off. she's truly a testament on you will will do ANYTHING for your child. I didn't hear her complain ONCE!

Thank you everyone for prayers and advice you gave me and Nicole. I am so so thankful that Eli is so healthy and hopefully his NICU stay will be short and sweet and she will get to take her beautiful healthy boy home VERY soon!

If you would like to leave Nicole any love, you can comment here or her Twitter (@anmdils)! Thanks :)

UPDATE August 6th! Eli is OFF of ALL breathing assistance and breathing ON HIS OWN without a nasal cannula, oxygen, ANYTHING! He is getting breastmilk through his feeding tube and Kangaroo time with his mommy! He's doing amazing! Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes!

God Said Wiggle, And He Wiggled

2009-07-30T19:05:00.001-04:00

A year ago I posted an entry about being afraid to pray. I've kinda experiencing that again. I prayed and prayed for the twins and lost one. I quit praying and Bumble B's been fine since.

But in recent posts you've seen I haven't been all fine. I've felt kinda lost. The husband and I are having some pretty icky financial problems and a couple huge fights. Not feeling the baby and not feeling pregnant really just iced the cake. I've just been down.

So 2 nights ago I asked God to help me. I think He was just waiting on me. Ever since this baby has been wiggling nonstop and I feel it all!! That night I was reading and I felt a kick from the outside. And this time I knew it wasn't bowel or gas. It was for sure him. Ever since, he's been rockin and rollin in my belly. Remember that whirlpool game you played when you were a kid? You just go in circles in the pool as fast and as hard as you can to make a whirlpool? That's what he was doing! He learned it from his daddy at 12 weeks. So not only is he wiggly but he's smart with a great memory too!!! ;)

So God answered my prayers. It happens.

BTW, what was the flutter/butterfly feelings I was told I would get?! Forget that, these are nudges and flips! Now I'm really not disappointed at all about not having a belly. If I wasn't so thin I may not be able to feel him, especially that initial kick from the outside. I'm sure he was saying "cheer up mom! I'm in here!"

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Feeling Blue + an IMPORTANT update!

2009-07-28T12:23:00.006-04:00

I've just been feeling a little blue. For one, I had morning sickness today. WTF is up with that?! I'm almost 17 weeks! Don't mix grapes and Capri Sun...

I'm really bummed about not showing. Like I said, I'm almost 17 weeks, and I'm ready for a baby belly. I think I'm just having a really hard time getting excited. I really don't believe that this will happen. Do you ever get that feeling? I remember in high school about to graduate "this will never ever happen. I can't believe it. something bad will happen, I won't graduate." Then when I was in xray school I remember the semester before we started clinicals, "This will never happen. I can't see myself at clinicals. Something's going to happen." That's how I feel about this baby. I really don't see this happening at all. I don't know if it's the twin thing or what. I felt totally excited at the beginning of my pregnancy, but now, I just don't. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby. I love reading about what he's doing every week and how big he is (even though you can't tell...) and I love seeing him on an US. But besides that, I feel nothing. I'm just ready to start showing and start feeling him move around. May be then it will feel more real to me?

Here is my 16-17 week belly picture. Nothing exciting. LOL. The little munchkin is where my hand is. The girls on my BBC board (who are 85% all mommies and most seem to have forgotten what it feels like to be a freaked out pregnant girl) say my uterus goes up to my belly button, no matter where the baby is. I beg to differ, because I've had an upset stomach for a week, 2 weeks now and that is definitely all bowel and it's moving a LOT. I've always had a bit of a pooch, and I look skinnier than ever!

The only thing I can guess is that God is going to give me one of those little little bellies so that people don't say "Are you SURE you're not having twins?!" Cause I will beat someone if they ask me that. "Yes I'm sure! Well there ARE two in there, but one's DEAD and has been since month 2! Anymore questions asshole?!" I don't think God wants that to happen, so may be I'll just be a tiny cute girl. I'm totally fine with that I suppose!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE!!
My Doctor's office called and said that my 2 part bloodwork (is that the triple screen? I so wasn't paying attention...) is back and normal! Baby is good! YAAAY! There is something to be NOT blue about. I really had no doubt that he was, but I wanted to partake in the testing because it included the US ;) It also showed that I'm anemic. I've always been borderline, but now I guess little butt is sucking away what I have left! As long as he has what he needs, that's just fine!

I also received my GIVEAWAY that I won from The Southern Belle Baby. I'm soooooooooo excited about the wheel because it tells me when I'll be certain weeks and when certain tests are and my due date and how preggo I'll be on my birthday (38 weeks, 5 days...) and Christopher and I can't stop playing with them at the Dr's office. Now we have our own! I felt kinda bad for getting the fertility yoga DVD, but I may need it again soon, or I may give it to a friend. I'm not sure yet ;) Thanks so much Jessica!!!! (and her handwriting is as cute as her wittle baby belly! SUPER)

O. M. G.

2009-07-25T15:27:00.003-04:00

I did it. 136 comments. I did it. IRON COMMENTER BIATCHES! LOL! I actually really enjoyed it! I found and refound some great blogs and added a lot to my list over there on the left!

In the spirit of my fabulous bloggy week (100th post, blogoversary, iron commentor!) I'm going to show some fun very cool videos!!!

I want to get married again so I can do this!

I just saw this preview for the 1st time. I wonder if the book is at Walmart?!

Where are my TWILIGHT FANS?!?!?! The two new clips shown at Comic Con from the New Moon movie!

My Blogoversary!!!!!!!

2009-07-24T11:25:00.004-04:00

Yaaay it's been one whole year! I've had such a fabulous time here on this blog. I've met some awesome people and read some AMAZING stories! I decided to compile some of my favorite posts for you to read!!!! :)

My Introduction. I haven't read that in a while... I'm refeeling those emotions as I read it. I was in such an awful awful place.

Some more of an introduction. I kinda giggle at myself. If I had known then what I know now... I was so frustrated after trying for 3-4 months after my first m/c.

One of my favorite lines about trying to relax and not worry about TTC: "But if you conscientiously make an effort NOT to worry about it, does it count when I think about not worrying about it?"

I'm still heartbroken over this.

My KuKd journey.

My mini-break, where I never breaked at all. Still did it, but just didn't take OPTs hahaha

My Diet Coke addiction. Yummy, formaldehyde!

1st time I got tagged!

What every angel mom goes through I'm sure, Failure. and PostSecret failure.

Meet my kids!

The universe was really against me for a while...

My nieces. I miss them SOOOOOOOO much

For fun- Some crazy xrays I showed during Show and Tell!

My Cindy as Ariel!!!!!!!!!

Rubbing the fertility statues post 1 and post 2!

My most controversial post. Probably my ONLY one...?

Our decision to adopt instead of IVF

One Year Miscarriage Anniversary

CD1! Starting Clomid!

Oh so funny...

National Infertility post, with LOTS of linkage!

MY BFP POST!!!!!!!!!!

Twins!

Two Heartbeats!

Only One Heartbeat :(

My 100th post, and I didn't even know it! LOL

The rest is pretty current, and you can find probably over on the sidebar.
I really didn't expect anyone to click all those posts, but it was neat for me to see myself evolve over the year!!!
Thanks so much to all my readers and commenters over the year! I couldn't have made this journey without you!!!!

Things I'm Learning From ICLW

2009-07-23T11:31:00.003-04:00

I've learned a few things through ICLW as I've just finished my 10th comment...

1. I hate those freaking captcha thingies. I'm going to remove mine if I have one...
2. I REALLY hate the captcha thingys that pop up after you hit submit. I've usually already Xed out of the tab when I notice they pop up.
3. Someone like me getting pregnant one one round of Clomid is not considered infertile. That's okay. I totally get that. I hate being thrown into a category with 2 girls from work that have done IVF. It's not far. I think my big mission here in the blog world is my two babies that I have lost. my 15 months childless while trying were very rough, and the years and years before that when I ached for a child but wasn't trying yet sucked too, but I know my journey is nothing compared to a 10 year + journey, and I hope people know that I know compare them.
4. Pregnancy blogs have a LOT less comments...
5. I have no clue what the difference between IVF is, 5 day transfers, FET, etc. My head just swims when I try to read the difference. Is there an ART site for dummies that speaks English?!

Tomorrow is my Blogoversary! I am going to try to get started on that post now... Yeah right... ;)

Just Another Update Post!

2009-07-22T13:41:00.003-04:00

I don't have any big huge news, and nothing too mew to report. Here are some things going on in my life!

-Those awful pains I was getting last week went away with one dose of Tylenol! Whoop whoop!
-We went camping this weekend. I climbed to the bottom to a waterfall with the hubster. And back up. The pains came back, but went away after a very nice long nap. When I do have them, I'll get a really intense cramp, no matter which way I lay down. Braxton Hicks already?!?! I need to slow down I think...
-I had a cute baby belly yesterday! Then I got an upset stomach and pooped and tooted it all away...
-While camping I think I may have felt baby... I just woke up one morning and was just laying on my back. Down where the little mischievous munchkin lays, I felt a turn over. And then a couple more. Seriously, like he was just rolling around. It was almost indistinguishable.
-I was up for about 3-4 hours last night burning up. I drenched my hair in cold water and it helped a bit. It was not fun... Insomnia and hot flashes... Perfect...
-I'm going for Iron Commenter this month. I usually SUCK at ICLW since i don't have my OWN computer. This month I'm doing it though! Ive found a couple digs that I dig ;) and I unfortunately have found myself quickly commenting and then getting the hell OUT OF THERE on twin pregnancy blogs... Even in bloggy world we have to protect ourselves I guess...
-My blood pressure at work yesterday was 90/60. Probably explains why I get so lightheaded and dizzy and tired so easily. I can't walk up my stairs in my house without getting winded. I had just come in from my car, and my pulse was 90+ and I could barely breath. The baby is stealing my blood! hehe
-I did my part 2 blood work for the NT scan yesterday. I have my next Dr. appointment on August 11th where I suppose I will hear the results, as well as my "big US". I'll have to pretend I haven't been getting them from my friends...

So I think that's pretty much it! Hope everyone is having a good week and a fun ICLW month!

July ICLW

2009-07-21T08:27:00.001-04:00

Welcome to any new readers and HI! to my regulars! ;)

My name is Katie. My husband Christopher and I just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. We live in South Carolina with our two chihuahuas!

We are currently pregnant with a little baby boy (15-16w). He and his miscarried twin (7w) were conceived on our first round of Clomid. We also have an angel baby from March 08.

I feel so lucky to only dabble in IF. This pregnancy has been tough for me though since I miscarried IN this pregnancy but am still pregnant... It's a very strange feeling. I'm getting more and more excited and convinced that this may actually happen, and that's a relief.

In a couple of days I will be celebrating my blogoversary!!! I'll also celebrate my 100th post that I didn't even realize I did about 10 posts ago. Stay tuned for some fun flashbacks!

Thanks for stopping by :D
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Pity Party

2009-07-17T14:09:00.003-04:00

In this post I will be complaining about pregnancy. I did not appreciate these posts while I was TTC, so I suggest that if you are TTC right now, don't read this. And if you do read it and are offended, that's your fault not mine, and don't tell me about it either because Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Thank you!

This hurts. I knew that at like 7-9 months I'd be hurting, but this shit hurts NOW. This baby is all kinds of low. He's sitting on my freaking cervix, butt hole, and bladder. I haven't felt movement yet, but I keep getting this shocking pin needle like pains down low, and I'm pretty sure that is my hyperactive son playing bongos on my cervix, bladder, and any other nerve he can find down there.

I just want him to MOVE UP, get out of my pelvis, and give me a cute belly and a kick or two outside of the pelvic girdle! I look skinnier than before I was knocked up! Christopher says to not rush it, but I can't help it :( I'm ready for the fun pregnancy stuff. I'm tired of this not sleeping, peeing all the time, pain, morning sickness, and nothing yet to show for it.

People are a lot more considerate when there is a belly to blame. Anytime I just say "OWWW" in passing they say "oh stop complaining, just wait, blah blah freaking blah." Sorry bitch. Just cause I don't have a watermelon size belly yet DOESN'T MEAN there isn't a human inside of me already smushing my organs and ripping my abdominal muscles. Thanks!

Okay. Thanks. I just really wanted to vent and rant. I feel better now.

Oh and BTW I love my baby. I'm not being mean to him, really, I just would like for him to use some of the space he is privy too for his amnio-olypmics! Good thing he's so stinkin' cute...

My Little Boy and some FUN

2009-07-14T13:05:00.004-04:00

So let's check out the ol' wive's tales. See what, according to them, is in store for us...

It's a boy if:
· You didn't experience morning sickness in early pregnancy
· Your baby's heart rate is less than 140 beats per minute
· You are carrying the extra weight out front
· Your belly looks like a basketball
· Your areolas have darkened considerably
· You are carrying low
· You are craving salty or sour foods
· You are craving protein -- meats and cheese
· Your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy
· The hair on your legs has grown faster during pregnancy
· Your hands are very dry
· Your pillow faces north when you sleep
· Dad-to-be is gaining weight, right along with you
· Pregnancy has you looking better than ever
· Your urine is bright yellow in color
· Your nose is spreading
· You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves in circles
· You are having headaches
· You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an even number

It's a girl if:
· You had morning sickness early in pregnancy
· Your baby's heart rate is at least 140 beats per minute
· You are carrying the weight in your hips and rear
· Your left breast is larger than your right breast
· Your hair develops red highlights
· You are carrying high
· Your belly looks like a watermelon
· You are craving sweets
· You are craving fruit
· You crave orange juice
· You don't look quite as good as normal during pregnancy
· You are moodier than usual during pregnancy
· Your face breaks out more than usual
· You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread
· Your breasts have really blossomed!
· Your pillow faces south when you sleep
· Your urine is a dull yellow color
· You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves from side to side
- You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an odd number

Boy wives tales: 5
Girl wives tales: 8
(BTW if you're preggo, I tag you to do this craziness)

Okay... I had a friend do an US for me last week. She said "It's either a boy or a girl with a penis. Which one do you REALLY want Katie?!" I picked boy of course :)

Here's his little wang-doodle!

Here are his arms! (to which my dad said "no, this is his penis. He takes after me." OMG! THANKS DAD!!!!!!!!!!)

His wittle foot!

His alien face

His face and his hand on his face! (is he sucking on his fingers like his mommy still does at age 24?!)

I asked her about Baby A. She's still completely there. Bumble B here is just lounging on top of her sac like it's a dang mattress or something! Glad to know he's comfy. I told my mom that he's already practicing camping, sleepin on his air mattress. We got the giggles and our friend, the tech, called us crazy and sick.
She said for now my placenta is to the side, but once everything kinda spills out of my pelvis, it'll probably be anterior. Dang AP :( I won't be able to feel him for awhile...
She also said my cervix was nice and long! And she showed it to me. Def not what I pictured it looking like...

Today I had a Dr. appointment. Sunday I moved a patient and since then I have felt period-like cramps, soreness, my vagina and uterus felt like they were going to fall out, and I just wanted to hold my crotch. Last night I had this really bad cramp come and go. I thought about it and it sounded like a Braxton Hicks, but I'm way too early for that right? I mentioned this all to my Dr and she did a pelvic to check my cervix. Said all was shut, Yaay!

Honest Blog!

2009-07-09T14:22:00.004-04:00

Loren nominated me for this fabulous award a while back, and I haven't gotten the chance or energy to post it! I'm so slack!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging

2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

These girls are (SOME!) my Twitter Hoes! I love these girls so much! If your log name is here, and not your real name, there is a problem. You're going to need to tweet me immediately.

1. The Pifer Family -1st RE appointment tomorrow! Go wish them luck!
2. Ellen
3. Heather
4. In Due Time
5. Beautiful Mess
6. Geek By Marriage
7. Katie

Okay, now 10 honest things about me!

1. I will cut my nose off to spite my face.

2. I used to be short-tempered. This pregnancy has made me just plain ol' TEMPERED!

3. I really wanted a girl, but I'm getting used to the boy idea, and might end up being disappointed if it's a girl lol

4. I started violin when I was 5. I haven't played in a couple years, and it breaks my mom's heart. I was pretty pimp ass at it in high school.

5. I love Britney Spears.

6. Even though I like Britney doesn't mean I like only pop. I'm currently addicted to my Frou Frou pandora radio station.

7. I probably spend more time on my Blackberry than talking to Christopher at night before bed... Sorry babe :(. It's something I need to work on!

8. I hate being in trouble!

9. I think people that tell me our 2 cars (VW Bug and Jeep Wrangler) are unsafe or stupid to have with a baby are the stupid ones and should shut up. Our kids are going to think we're the coolest parents ever.

10. I've never wanted to travel. I'm pretty content just chillin in bed watching TV or going to the beach and passing out :)

A Real Baby...

2009-07-07T15:31:00.004-04:00

Look at my little floaty baby over there... Scroll down a little... I'll wait... It looks like a real little person. A REAL BABY. Am I seriously pregnant with a REAL BABY?!

The other day at the beach I was laying down on my stomach on this inflatable raft that's about as long as my torso. All of a sudden I felt a finger length long teeny tiny tap where the baby is. Was that the Burger King or my real life baby saying "WTF MOM GET OFF ME". I mean, I was probably totally squishing him with the way my belly was perfectly mashing into the float.

I may have seriously felt a real live baby inside of my belly. Is this really happening? People ask me about day care and this and that and I have to say "honestly, I haven't thought that far." Because I haven't, I just am not believing it at all. I don't feel like I have a real live baby inside of me. I just feel like this cranky hungry girl that's nauseated half the time. But a baby maker?!

I can't wait to start feeling baby. I can't wait to feel like a pregnant girl. I can't wait to say I've been making birthing plans and day care plans and nursery plans. I can't wait to be excited about talking about this real live baby inside of me!

I'm quickly creeping toward my 14th week. 14!!! I can't believe it! Soon I'll be 15! Then 20! Then 30! Holy cow! Then I'll have a real live baby to hold and love. I really can't believe it...

Thanks For The Support!

2009-07-06T19:54:00.001-04:00

I've enjoyed reading all the comments on my Private post. I wrote that while I was private, so I don't plan on closing up shop again. The drama day brought in 300+ nosy stalking readers, 3X more than my normal supportive readers on one of my good days, so that's the kinda scary stuff I was talking about! I LOVE hearing from yall though. Its so great to know that there are people out there reading what I have to say! :) It makes my day, seriously. With that said, my Blogoversary is in 18 days!! I can't believe everything I had gone through on this blog in a YEAR. I plan on going through and picking up some of my favorite "lines" and events and posting them. Mostly for me... LOL. But if you have a favorite post or picture or saying or vent, I'd love to hear it! I can't explain to yall how much you mean to me!!!!!

My Ruined Anniversary

2009-07-04T17:20:00.004-04:00

We miscalculated our bills and paid too much, so we have NO money for this week. So instead of an anniversary dinner at a beach side restaurant we were going to have to go to Burger King. Then on the way to the beach we got a flat tire. A Fix-A-Flat AND one of those tar-cement plug things didn't work. So my dad and my husband are at the only open tire place getting 4 brand new tires put on while I sit here writing this post. I'm not so upset about the beach trip today, we are going to go tomorrow, but my heart was set on sitting on the beach with my husband watching the fireworks, especially since this is the last year we'd be able to do all that romantic stuff. But we can't afford 2 beach trips this weekend since we live outside of the Charleston area and it takes almost an hour to get there, imagine the gas... Then my mom gets mad at me for being in a crappy mood. SORRY MY ANNIVERSARY AND FOURTH OF JULY ARE RUINED. Ugh. SO we're having TACOS for dinner. On the US of A's birthday...

Although Christopher did just say "I know our beach trip was ruined, but I'm still happy to be here with you." Awww. It's true...

Private For A Little While

2009-07-01T18:14:00.003-04:00

It kinda breaks my heart to do this. I enjoy getting comments from girls that say they've been lurking. IDK how many people read my blog, but unfortunately it will be cut short due to the private block.

There were a few things that brought me to this decision. One of the simpler reasons is the friend who I talked crap about in a previous post may have access to my blog now, and I kinda want to let her curiosity die down and either that post move out of sight or just delete it. I haven't decided.

The other reason is just ridiculous and sad. On TheBump.com yesterday I was utterly demolished by some real BITCHES. Some woman called me stupid and made her own post about wanting to smack me, and then someone emailed her husband and said she was psycho for what she was saying to me, and then every one thought I did it. I posted that I absolutely did not (although I'd love to pat the women on the back who did hehehe Karmas a real bitch, just like her), and then some girls started researching me through Google and my blog and told me they knew my real full name, my doctor's office's address and phone number and some other personal details. This girl posted a thread and she didn't think I seemed crazy enough to email this woman's husband. Then I was slammed for being "ignorant" about internet stalkers.

I never thought about editing personal info and pictures on the internet. I live in this naive little world where I didn't think people could be psycho. But they can be obviously, and now I'm freaked that some psycho women is going to wait for me at my next appointment and like cut my baby out of my belly or something. And I stick up for myself when I get hazed, especially for NO REASON!

So for a little while I will be on the DL while I try to remove my tracks from the internet and get these bitches off of my back.

NT Scan With Shocking Result!

2009-06-30T11:21:00.004-04:00

This morning was my NT scan! My baby has the cutest nose in the entire WORLD!! The tech got lots of great shots of my little lazy baby! He figured, Mommy and Daddy are on vacation, so am I and didn't move for the US tech hehe. She said everything looked good on her end. I asked her to take a quick scan between the legs and low and behold. A penis!

This crappy scanner does zero justice. It's much more obvious on the real picture, and on the US screen. I tried to lighten it up a little for ya!

BTW I know this isn't 100%. I've gotten a new a-hole torn from Thenest.com about it. But for now, calling the baby a He helps me bond a lot. And posts from this message board have pretty much killed my excitement and I've forgotten the morning all together. I don't think calling this a boy is the worst crime I could have commited

This Week!

2009-06-28T10:53:00.004-04:00

I am so excited about this week. Once this work day ends (3:30... 4 and a half more hours...) I will be off with my husband for a whole week! His job is having a 2 week mandatory shut down before their next big project. Thankfully his job is still going, and he just has to take a week off. And somehow I got all week off! So we are going to beach it up and spend lots of fun time together!

My NT scan is Tuesday morning at 8am. I can't wait to see that little baby! I'm having a hard time bonding with this baby. When I got pregnant the first time I instantly was just absolutely infatuated with it. When I found out I was having twins this time I was just so joyful. Then after I lost one of them, I've just had a hard time getting excited! Of course I love the baby, but when people say "Are you so excited?" I really just want to say "No it's effing scary." I want this US, not to check for Downs or other things, just so I can see my baby wiggling around and hopefully start to get over my hurt and start to get happy about being pregnant.

I love my doppler. I don't use it every day, but the baby is starting to move, so I'll find her, and then she disappears! LOL. It's great to know she's wiggling around, but it's hard to get a reading on her heartbeat. It's been in the 180s, but that day I couldn't get it for longer than 5 seconds and as high as my doppler would get was 120-130. So I was freaking a little. Christopher called me in the middle of it and I was like "I HAVE TO GO! YOUR CHILD IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!" Finally I got her to about 160bmps and gave up.

Not only am I spending quality time with hubster and Bumble B this week, our 5 year wedding anniversary is on Saturday, July 4th! I think we're going to make a beach day of it, go to dinner, and back to the beach for fireworks. I am really excited! I am praying it doesn't rain and it's a beautiful day!

Thanks for all the advice on my friend! I am going to send her some books that I LOVE to keep her occupied! She is taking pictures of everything with her phone and posting them on Facebook in her "Views From Bedrest" hehe. She's in great spirits and is officially in viable stage and getting steroid shots for her little man, Eli.

Nicole

2009-06-26T16:05:00.004-04:00

My friend from my old BBC miscarriage/TTC board needs some prayers!

Last year she had a miscarriage, became pregnant again, and in November she went into PTL with her daughter at 26 weeks. Brie was born and passed not even 48 hours later. Nicole and her husband are pregnant again! She is now 23 weeks and started dilating and having contractions. She is now on strict hospital bedrest until the new baby boy makes an appearance.

She's nervous, obviously, and unfortunately with her awful history can't help but think about planning another funeral for another baby. She sounds to be in good spirits, especially after getting the news she can walk all the way to her inroom bathroom to pee instead of the bedside commode.

Please if you can spare some prayers send them her way. Her name is Nicole, her husband's name is Matt, and I don't think she has a name yet for her little man.

Also she's obviously pretty bored, and could use some ideas of some things to do. She has a Blackberry and surfing the Internet on it gets really old really fast (take it from me). The hospital has no Wifi. She's looking for some good book ideas! I want to send her a care package with some stuff to do, but I'm a little unsure of what to send! If you have been on bedrest, know someone who has, or just are really creative, please comment with some suggestions!

Just An Update

2009-06-22T16:09:00.003-04:00

Nothing new has really been going on. I've been MIA, I know. I've been working A LOT, so I don't have much computer time, and when I do, I'm probably more likely to be hovering over the toilet than hanging out online. Here are a few things going on in my life!

-I had an OB appointment Tuesday last week. She didn't really do anything... I don't know what I was expecting...? We talked about the NT scan and I went ahead and scheduled it.
-I've had lots of fights with "friends" who have turned on me and been absolute middle school bitches to me. I'm so frustrated and really tired of being attacked and treated like a child. I know I shouldn't care what people think about me, but I can't help it.
-Work has been busy and just as bad of a rollercoaster.
-I got a new blackberry and opened a blackberry blog, SoBerryCute. It's a work in progress and is being neglected the last few days.
-I can now find the baby whenever I use my doppler! Her heartrate is always between 170 and 180!
-I woke up with a baby belly.
-I hit 11 weeks, and 12 weeks is creeping closer. I can't wait to have that giant sigh of relief.
-I avoid all blogs of people that lose babies after the 1st trimester. I don't even want to think about it.
-I'm trying really hard to bond with this baby. It's been hard since I lost the twin, but slowly it's coming back. hopefully my US next week will kick me in butt when I see that little cutie waving at me!
-Current Pregnancy symptoms- so tired, so hot, so cranky, so sick. I can't wait for the 2nd trimester!!!!! I can't wait to be so cute, so horny ;)

10 Weeks Tomorrow!

2009-06-11T08:54:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I'm hitting the double digits with my pregnancy! I am one fourth DONE!

These past 10 weeks have brought me absolute joy, nervousness, frustration, absolute heartbreak, worry, throwing up, heartburn, hope, and absolute trust in the Lord.

Yesterday I had a minor freak out and made a nurses appointment to get a doppler. We were THIS CLOSE to getting an US, but the nurse FOUND IT! Thumping away :) What a great sound! I am very very proud of myself. That was honestly my first absolute freak out. Yes, I did have some break downs a couple weeks ago, but HELLO! One of my twins was DEAD and I was awaiting the news on how the other was doing. Having a miscarriage is awful. Having a miscarriage and awaiting the news on the other baby you're carrying is weird and scary. I did AWESOME that week compared to how I could have freaked.

Christopher and my mother gave me a hard time about yesterday, but I don't care. They didn't go through what I did and they do't know how I feel. Well, honestly Christopher did, but he sure doesn't act like it. Men and their penises. I wish they could borrow a uterus once in a while!

April Rose

2009-06-09T09:55:00.006-04:00

I am so disappointed that this has turned out to be a hoax. It's ridiculous. I prayed and prayed for that baby and her family, and am just heartbroken that someone would play with people's emotions like that.

I don't know what to think of this Beccah woman though. She DID do His Will Wednesdays which I received tons of prayer requests from. I will forever be thankful for that.

It's an odd odd person that would claim and seem to be so incredibly faithful and then pull something like this? I honestly think that something has to be wrong with her. I really really pray that she gets the help that she so obviously needs.

Update- A few people are asking for some facts and evidence that I didn't even think about including. Here are a few sites that show some theories but also the pictures that they claimed were April were actually DOLLS!
http://littleaprilroseisfake.blogspot.com
http://littleaprilrosequestions.blogspot.com/

I Need Advice!!

2009-06-04T09:49:00.001-04:00

My BFF is getting married Saturday. YAAY!! I'm so freaking pasty it's not even funny. I also wanted to refresh my hair color, but my Dr said no airbrush tan or hair coloring.

Is she just really conservative or was everyone told this?? Of course my baby comes first, but it's my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING!! I've been waiting on this day since 10th grade. Almost 10 years later of them being together its finally happening. And I want to look freaking fabulous. I'm a dang bridesmaid for God's sake. I don't think pregnant women should look like crap. I think we'd feel a whole lot better about ourselves if we were allowed to do anything!

Sorry rampage. These hormones have been out of CONTROL this week!!!!

Update- "If you're not feeling attractive during pregnancy, the look of sun-kissed skin may do wonders for your self-esteem. The good news is that the ingredients in self-tanners are harmless, so it's fine to use them during pregnancy. These lotions and sprays are basically dyes that stay on the surface of your skin and won't harm your developing baby. Best of all, self-tanners have improved dramatically over the past few years, so you don't have to worry about looking like an extra from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
I'm doing it. I followed all the stupid rules my last pregnancy and this pregnancy and I still have 2 dead babies. It's not like I'm smoking or drinking a bottle of tequila. It's dang paint that stays on my skin for like 4 days. Of course, now that I saw my little virtual baby floating over there on my page I start to panic... Why can't think just be easy?! Women go through their pregnancies smoking, drinking, doing crack, and have no prenatal care and their babies are fine. It's so incredibly obnoxious and unfair.

Whirlwind Morning

2009-06-02T09:53:00.003-04:00

After getting a huge migraine and going to bed, I woke up at 2am puking and rolled over and exploded my gel freeze head thingy, threw up again when I was getting ready for my appointment, flooded the bathroom on accident, on the way to the Dr realized my appointment was at 8 not 8:30, pulled over on the side of the road to puke...

Squishy Baby B (or Bumble B as he may also be referred. My mom's new name for him) is great, measuring on time, heart rate of 180.

I'm so happy that he's doing great, but it still doesn't feel real to me yet. I want to snap out of this so bad!!! I haven't been taking my happy/anxiety meds. I keep forgetting. I think I should remember AND double up ;)

Baby A is even smaller. I guess she's dissolving or just looks so much tinier since Squishy Bumble B is getting so huge. My doctor said that she will just dissolve and just because she passed doesn't mean anything will happen to B. She said if I ever feel worried to just come in and they'd check the heartbeat. I told her I'd see her every day! She also wrote me a RX for Darvecet (sp?!) for these awful migraines. Whoop whoop!!

Here is the US pic. He's just hanging out upside down like a little monkey. Kinda looks like he's waving doesn't it??? :)

Tomorrow's The Day

2009-06-01T20:14:00.000-04:00

... That I get to see my little Baby B.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts, comments, and prayers. They mean SO MUCH!!!!!

I've got some symptoms coming back, but I've got an awful migraine too. I'm just ready to get this over with ASAP!!

8:30am couldn't come quick enough...

No Hope

2009-05-30T11:44:00.002-04:00

I just feel like I have no hope. I'm not really sad or mad or happy or anything really. But I just don't feel like I will see a heartbeat on B on Tuesday at all, and it's annoying when my husband gets mad at me for saying it. I can't help it. It's not like I WANT my babies to all die and be a owner of a crappy uterus, but that's just the way I feel. I can't change it no matter how hard I try. My mom says to ask God to bless me. I did. I did the first time, and I did this time. 2 dead babies have resulted. Not saying He did it on purpose, but what's the point? He knows what I want and He'll do what He wants no matter what I say.

The Next Day

2009-05-28T13:46:00.003-04:00

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.

Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.

Bittersweet Heartbreak

2009-05-27T16:52:00.000-04:00

I had an US today at work. Baby B is measuring 7w5d and his heartbeat is 154 and Baby A is measuring 6w3d with zero heartbeat.

I'm obviously thrilled that B is growing and has caught up to his due date, but its majorly overcasted by the absolute heartbreak I'm feeling for the lost life of Baby A.

Please don't say "well at least you still have one" because it hurts almost as bad as my first miscarriage. I have a little hope but also major fear that the same thing will happen to the other one. Why wouldn't it? I've managed to kill 2 now, what's one more? I might as well have a margarita.

New Stupid Things...

2009-05-26T13:15:00.005-04:00

...That People Say.

Last month I wrote a blog about stupid stuff people say about infertility. Well, I'm still getting stupid comments and questions.

I am absolutely in no way ashamed of my infertility experience. I am more than happy to talk to anyone about it that has questions or is curious. However, it really isn't anyone's business, and there IS a way to approach it.

When I tell someone I am having twins, the FIRST thing they say is "oh do twins run in your family, or were you on fertility drugs?" It's absolutely obnoxious. When I see people with multiples not ONCE has that question EVER popped in my head. It's so personal and private. ONCE I wondered if someone used fertility drugs when I was first introduced to Lauren's blog about her quadruplets. I read through her blog and she did not mention it, so guess what? I forgot about it. It wasn't my business and I didn't think about it again.

I answer that I took fertility drugs, and I haven't gotten any negative answers, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people (especially men... is that weird??) ask me about it. When people just ask me if twins run in my family I just answer no. I give no extra information.

I've been reading lots of other multiple mommy blogs and this looks like something I will be dealing with forever, so I better get used to it!!

I'm really just annoyed that people these days do not respect anyone's privacy. It's utterly obnoxious.

In other news, I had the most awful migraine ever this weekend, and couldn't take anything. What pure torture that was... I also got a BellaBand yesterday! WOW the most amazing invention EVER!!!

May ICLW!

2009-05-21T17:23:00.005-04:00

Just a little forewarning, if you came from ICLW and DON'T want to hear about pregnancy, hit the back button! I became pregnant since I signed up for this month!!!

Welcome ICLWers!!!

My name is Katie, I'm married to Christopher, and we are expecting TWINS!!! I am still very early in my pregnancy, so a little nervous, but surprising not as much as I thought I would be. I have been praying for peace, so I think God is definitely listening!

This blog is going to be primarily about my twin pregnancy, my husband, our pets, our March 08 heartbreaking miscarriage, and infertility. Thankfully I only dabbled a tiny bit into IF by getting pregnant one our first round of Clomid. I still have lots of friends that are still on this tough tough journey, and although I am pregnant, I still find myself very frustrated with the ignorance of the fertiles.

If you're pregnant with twins or have twins (or multiples!!!) please comment with your link, because I am a little intimidated on the cost of two babies and would really like to hear other experiences.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are the US pictures I've been promising since Tuesday :)

Baby A is on the right, Baby B on the left

Baby A

Baby B

My appointment went well. It was so nice to FINALLY get blood take for pregnancy tests and fill out paper work because I am pregnant. It was nice to see them talk about different tests at different points in my pregnancy and to see MY BABIES' HEARTBEATS!!!

The babies are still measuring 5 days behind, just like I told that witch US tech. Baby A is actually the sac that I was concerned about a few weeks ago, and now she's bigger than Baby B! All of your prayers have worked! Now keep praying for them both, an B. His heart rate was 112, which the Dr said is okay, but she wants to see it over 120. But the babes were only measuring 5w6d, so their hearts JUST started beating THAT DAY, so I think 112 sounds pretty darn good. I bet it's just as high as A's today!

I am pretty sure A is a girl since she fertilized late (girl sperm being slower but living longer) and B being a boy since he fertilized first (being that boy sperm swim faster). And just cause I have a hunch. And because it would be so great if they were boy/girl! How fun would that be?

May 19th Part Dos

2009-05-19T18:15:00.000-04:00

2 Heartbeats!!!!!!!

I will write a full update with photos tomorrow, but I wanted to let anyone know who may have been wondering ;)

I Got What I Asked For!

2009-05-19T10:00:00.002-04:00

Well, I got what I asked for. Nausea, feeling like crap, exhaustion... It's all here. I won't complain because I know there is worse out there, like not being pregnant, but I will just say one thing- It sucks feeling like shit 100% of the time.

Today is my FIRST OB visit! I can't wait! I also have another US before it, and hopefully will see my little Squishy and Babycakes heartbeats! I had an US on Friday that a friend did and each sac had a perfect and absolutely beautiful yolk sac. Such a pretty sight :) She said they looked PERFECT and right on track, and by today I should be able to see heart beats!

I'll update y'all on the appointment, and you can always follow me on Twitter because I am constantly updating there. Especially when I don't have the energy to get up and blog!

Sweet Kayleigh

2009-05-12T17:35:00.001-04:00

Please head over to The Freeman's blog that they have been writing about sweet baby Kayleigh since she was born at 1lb 1oz 10 months ago.

Fighting all the odds, Kayleigh was about to head home after one last procedure, where she did not get enough oxygen to her brain and was pronounced brain dead.

Kayleigh passed away last night. Please go over and give her family all the prayers and support that you can. Their faith is amazing and it has gotten stronger through this rough journey.

Kayleigh Anne

5w3d US from HELL

2009-05-11T10:09:00.005-04:00

So I went to my US this morning. I had this witch of a tech. Last time I went before I started the Clomid, she bitched about "your generation" the whole time.

She scanned be for what seemed like FOREVER and finally showed me. She said "There are 2 sacs, but there aren't babies in them. They are so small my machine won't even measure them." I told her that I ovulated 5 days late, so honestly the babies really are only 4w5ds, but she didn't want to listen to anything I said. I asked her to print a picture for me and she said "Ugh well I guess, but there isn't anything there. This doesn't mean anything."

Eff you.

So I left way more freaked out than before. I called a numerous amount of my US friends and they all agreed with me that my O date makes total sense on why there aren't babies yet. One of the girls said this same exact tech said "Your babies Nuchal fold is large, she has Downs syndrome." and the baby is fine. My other friend said this same tech told her every single time she scanned her "he isn't moving. this concerns me. Something's wrong with him." He's fine. He's the baby I watch 2-3 times a week. They both told me never to listen to a word she says because she is an absolute idiot.

I sent my picture to one of the girls and she said she would call it an early twin gestation and it looked great. Something about colors... I have no clue. But they all told me to not stress, and it was fine. But of course I'm freaking, because why wouldn't I? This woman basically told me I have a twin molar pregnancy? I wish I didn't even HAVE the stupid US. It did nothing for my nerves...

Well except...:

GREAT NEWS the sacs are about the same size now, and have definitely grown, so I think that's a great thing.

Excuse my nose. IDK why it looks like the size of Mount Rushmore.

Link to a larger version :)

Please Keep Praying!

2009-05-10T16:53:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow morning is my US at the doctor's office.

I'm so worried that I won't be seeing Baby B tomorrow. I had a hard time getting attached to this pregnancy (absolutely unconscious. I tried so hard) but as soon as it finally sunk in that those 2 US pictures were pictures of MY 2 little babies, I fell incredibly and irrevocably in love with them both.

The thought of losing one makes me sad. I've been praying really hard that I see her beautiful blobness tomorrow. So I would really appreciate it if you could pray with me.

Thanks to those who have been praying with me already. I definitely have a sense of peace and real optimism for her. Just sometimes I get worried.

I'll update tomorrow with the news, and I'm really praying it's GOOD news!!!

5 Week US!

2009-05-08T14:01:00.002-04:00

There are 2 sacs!!!

One is significantly smaller than the other, so we are praying very very hard that our littlest girl makes it. We have another US on Monday at the Doctor's office (these were all done at work!) and by then we should know the outcome a little better for a little bitty one!

Here are some pictures. I took these with my crappy cell phone camera, so please excuse the quality. The first picture is Baby A, big and fat, and picture 2 is Baby B. She looks way smaller on these pictures, but she's just about half the size of her big sister.

Please send lots of prayers that our little runt growns big and strong!!

Feeling Fine

2009-05-07T13:53:00.003-04:00

I feel fine. I hate it.

I want to be puking and have heartburn and have boobs that hurt so bad I want to cry. But no. I feel fine.

Do you have any idea how hard this is? I have been having food aversions, lower abdominal cramping, until all of a sudden yesterday, they just STOPPED.

So I had a ~~mini~~ meltdown last night to Christopher. He tried really hard to make me feel better. I didn't feel much better but he did calm me down and helped me fall asleep.

I don't even feel as connected with this baby as I did in my first pregnancy, and I'm TRYING REALLY HARD! I am telling myself over and over "be so happy, be so excited, love this baby" and I have all along, however, my unconscious just is screwing with my head. I hate it, it's obnoxious.

I just want to be EXCITED and HAPPY and SICK!!!!

Lots Of Babies?

2009-05-05T14:27:00.003-04:00

So I have been joking that I'm having twins. I told everyone I have twins in there, and I'm calling them Madeline and Addison (yes two girls).

Sunday at work I was freaking out about my progesterone and talked one of the Radiologists to order a blood progesterone test for me. Once I had the bloodwork the phlebotomist told me we wouldn't get the results until Tuesday. I was annoyed.

I went up to work today and checked my lab results and my Progesterone is

87.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A normal Progesterone for the entire 1st trimester is 16-90! And mine is 87.6?! I still don't have my betas from yesterday (GRRRRRRRRRR) but I looked it up and a high P can mean multiples!

So my US tech friend scanned me this afternoon and we couldn't really see much (except for the enormous ovarian cysts that I apparently have...) but she said "Okay, that MIGHT be one, and that MIGHT be 2!" So I am going back Friday for another scan.

I've been kind of kidding about knowing there are 2 in there, but now that it may actually be a possibility... WOW!

So if you have experience with high Progesterone and singletons or multiples, let me know! I'm way too impatient to just WAIT for Friday. It seems so far away... :)

UPDATE! My HCG is 575!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH for a high number! I'm baby baking for sure!

Still In Shock

2009-05-04T12:44:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all the comments on my last post! I am in absolute shock. I was planning one waiting til my period was late to test, but we were going to be drinking all day Saturday at the Dragon Boat races, so I decided to take one. The rest is history :)

Today I took my butt up to the Doctor's office and got some bloodwork done. I'll have my results tomorrow. I peed in a cup though and I am officially pregnant at my doctor's office! They also told me my due date is January 9th!

I'm not feeling ANYTHING except that I'm HOT and sleepy. I'll take what I can get. I wish I was like worshiping the porcelain Gods, but I'll just wait. Hopefully I'll feel bad soon. I'm having that nagging pressure cramping deep down low, but I keep telling myself it's normal!!!

I really could use tons of prayers right now. This baby is a miracle and I am so excited about her. I want to hug and kiss her smiley face in 9 months!

Totally Unexpected!!!!

2009-05-02T17:15:00.002-04:00

12DPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(PLEASE if you know me in real life, SHHHHHHHH)

God's Time

2009-05-01T11:02:00.011-04:00

This is kinda part two of yesterday's post. This is something I hear from people all the time too.

"May be it's not God's time for you yet."

Or something along the line that God doesn't want me to be a mom yet. They always say it's not His plan. Well you know what, I want it to be His plan.

This is always a tricky one. I want to say something smart-ass and witty without sounding sacrilegious.

And I don't really get the phrase anyways. Should we all just sit around? I mean, some of us would never get pregnant. Some woman can't get pregnant without IVF, IUI, drugs, etc. Does God not want us to have kids? And if He didn't want us to be moms then why are there success stories?

I guess this is one of those posts where I am talking about being a Christian but I am questioning my God and faith. It's not like I'm questioning who my God is, I'm just questioning "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

I think I would be a great mom and I have always been amazing with kids and babies. I don't think God would have given me that gift and this want for children (since I was a child myself) if He didn't want me to be a mommy. It just wouldn't make sense. Unless it's some sick joke, and I refuse to believe that that's the case.

But sometimes I think about it and I really think that this isn't my time. I mean what else is the problem? It's not from lack of trying, that's for sure. I just need to sit back and pray and hope for my miracle.

Update: Just saw my ticker and it says I've been TTC for 17 months. 17 months today. I know for some that doesn't sound like a long time, but for me it sounds soooo long. I hope this happens for me soon. Looking at the bills rolling in, I don't know how far I can go right now.

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Christopher and I got our Bentley Bracelets yesterday! I'm very excited and can't WAIT for someone to ask me what it is for. (We're looking a little rough, it's like 11pm after Dragonboat Race practice and we were exhausted! LOL)

Here's a picture of Bentley with her bracelets!!!

The Things People Say

2009-04-30T10:27:00.004-04:00

I'm coming up to TTC for a year and a half, and the comments are just ROLLING in.

I stopped talking about TTC at work because 1. It really is no one's business, and 2. I was tired of hearing "You're trying to hard, just relax" from people that have never ever been in my situation before in their lives.

The "trying too hard" is the most common comment I get and it makes me SOOOO mad. If someone wanted something really really bad, they would try really hard to get it right? A degree, a dog, a diet pepsi, a better golf swing, a better credit report, a new mattress, an early chemo appointment, a new car, etc etc. I could go on for hours. So what is so wrong with trying hard to have a baby? And I don't really see what the big difference is between trying and not. His you know what is in my you know where the same as if I was ovulating, trying or drunk. What's the big deal?!

My mother is trying really hard now not to say anything bad. Even after she told me play by play of a baby shower I skipped, she is trying. She said "you can't have a baby because I could never love anyone as much as I love you." Like I said, she's trying.

Yesterday at work a guy said his wrist hurt which just set the ball rolling for very inappropriate non-workplace jokes. Then I said "You should donate your sperm" and he said he wouldn't want his kids running around if he couldn't raise them. I told him he would make someone very very happy and he said "It's not my responsibility to help some misfit that can't get pregnant on their own" or something to that degree.

Yeah. Seriously. So I told him I was one of those misfits that he was talking about and that this was National Infertility Week and he needs to watch what he's saying cause that was NOT funny. I said some other things in my rant, but I don't remember. He promptly apologized and I think generally felt bad. I think if he was having an actual educated conversation he may have not said the same thing, but who knows.

By the way, I shook his Mountain Dew bottle up. A lot.

National Infertility Week

2009-04-27T13:10:00.005-04:00

Is everyone enjoying basking in the glow of their IF this week? I didn't think so.

Ellen and I decided to drink tequila and wear cute non maternity dresses and stay out all night to celebrate. I think it's appropriate! The V List jumped out of planes. I don't have the guts for that!

I actually posted Resolve's Infertility Etiquette on my Facebook and have been getting positive feedback. Of course at the beginning I DID say if you don't like it don't read or comment, so I don't know if anyone hated it. After a huge fight broke out with the Infertility VS Paraplegia post... I went ahead and put a disclaimer. I also got my first "you're too young for infertility" comment yesterday.

If you've been following me on Twitter you will have seen lots of instances where I have just wanted to kick IF, or whoever is closest's, butt. First my mother went on for 30 minutes about every little detail of a baby shower I skipped. I skipped 2 this weekend, and I'm PROUD OF IT! My board's Question Of The Day was what plans do we have for Mother's Day. I responded Tequila ;) Also you will see a Retweet I tweeted of a girl who thinks the little cups that you put condiments in would be perfect of pee cups for dipping HPTs. Thank you for that, I'm on it! Also I am in a race to beat In Due Time to 100 followers, so if you have Twitter, FOLLOW ME!!!!

I also said some pretty big prayers last night for Stellan, April, and Kayleigh. (and of course my prospective child that may or may not be implanting tomorrow... <---awesome link BTW)

Tell me how you are celebrating IF week!

Molleigh Anna

2009-04-25T21:46:00.006-04:00

I made a really hard decision this week. I gave Molleigh Anna to a new home with a new mommy.

Molleigh and Maddox spend all their time outside (thanks to Maddox. I'm sure Molleigh curses the day he became to big and obnoxious for the house) unless it's cold winter nights or storms. The summer they are stuck outside because our air conditioner is broken and it's cooler in the shade of the trees. Molleigh is the sweetest most loving little thing in the world. We rescued her when she was just skin and bones and showing signs of major abuse. We nursed her back to life into a caring sweet beautiful little girl.

She just doesn't get the attention that she deserves. Niether of them do. A friend of mine just got a fence built in her yard and was talking about wanting a dog and I said "take mine" and the rest is history.

This morning we took her to the vet to get all of her shots updated and took her over to her new home. I am really going to be sad to drive in and out of my driveway every day and not see her run up to greet me or say goodbye. But I know in my heart that I did the right thing. I can still go visit her and take Maddox over to see her (until I find him a suitable and lovable home) and I will see her new mommy every day.

People kinda think I'm a bad person for giving her up, but she deserves so much better than what she has at my house. Her new mommy even went straight out and spent 200 dollars on toys and treats and new shiny bowls for her. I'm so glad that she is somewhere she is going to be loved as much as she deserves. I really think I did the right thing, but I can't help but be a LITTLE sad to see her go!!!

Wow what a mess that house was in back then hahahahaha

My Mother...

2009-04-22T11:28:00.005-04:00

My mom and I are still on weird terms from our fall out last week. I just decided to forgive and forget what she said and called her a few times. She just acts distant and what she does say to me is rude and ridiculous. Here are some examples.

#1
Me: Christopher is starting a new anxiety medicine. He has been freaking out and having panic attacks a lot lately. He's really stressed I guess
Mom: Probably because he's trying too hard to get pregnant.
Me: OR He's stressed about our dogs, getting our house fixed, me being sick...

#2
Me: OMG I FOUND MY CAMERA!!!!!!!! (she bought me this camera as an early birthday present in December and I lost it in January, which she was obviously upset about)
Mom: Did you find my DVD player?
Me: Ummm No I know where that is...

#3
Me: Can I borrow your tent?
Mom: Why can't you use your other one?
Me: Well it's a pain to put up. I like yours cause it pops up like my broken one did
Mom: Well are you going to break it too?
Me: Umm noo.... I won't leave it out in the wind to dry...

It doesn't sound like much, but those are the 3 conversations we have had in a week, and that is pretty much as far as they have gone. I called her back after one convo to ask something, and she sounded like she had been crying, and I asked what was wrong and she said nothing. So IDK. I've tried. I kinda miss her... She has off today and she always calls me when she's off to see what I'm doing. Nothing. Christopher said that it will get better soon and get back to normal. I sure hope so. How am I going to tell her I'm pregnant if I get pregnant this cycle or ever if she doesn't even want to talk to me? I guess I will just go on with life and she will eventually come around? I don't know why SHE is mad at ME?! I didn't do anything! It is all very frustrating...

Hi!!!!!!

2009-04-21T18:46:00.000-04:00

Hello ICLWers!!!
I've done this a few times, but never given a little hello. Thought I would follow the trend of introducing myself!

My name is Katie. I'm an xray tech and I also babysit a little boy who is almost 1. My husband is Christopher and he works for the government company that send our soldiers overseas their vehicles. He's the last inspector to check them off before they set sail! We both love our jobs, which I count as an amazing blessing. We live in Charleston, SC and have 4 dogs and 1 kitten!

We've been TTC since Dec 07. We went off of BCP and just wanted to see what would happen. In March we decided to really try, and I got pregnant. Then I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been trying ever since, and I am now on my first round of Clomid. We've made the decision of going possibly as far as IUI but adopting instead of IVF, and we feel really great with our decision.

Thanks so much for stopping by! I can't wait to read your comments and visit your blogs!!!

Sock Exchange!

2009-04-18T15:20:00.005-04:00

Kym started a sock exchange this year! I've met some really cool bloggers through it all and really connected with some old friends! The socks are to represent the warm fuzzies that we feel through our bloggers friends and comments. My sock buddy was Jennifer. She sent me some super cute Hello Kitty socks! They are so adorable! Every time I see them and wear them I think about all of you who have given me great advice, support, or just a quick hello. It's crazy to know how many friends I have through the internet. It really is GREAT!

I sent socks to Ellen. It was so funny because as some of you may know, Ellen is a BFF! I was so so so stoked to be her buddy. We were discussing what kind of socks we liked and wanted so I definitely cheated! I think she was as excited as I when she got them!!!

Why I Love Her

2009-04-15T08:56:00.001-04:00

Me: Have you ever thought about stealing a speculum, cathetor and syringe from work and do your own IUI?

Ellen: Hahahahahaha Not until now... F#!@ I've got a straw and some salad tongs... I could make it work

Last Night's Follow-up

2009-04-14T10:24:00.000-04:00

If you haven't read yesterday's post about my phone call with my mom, scroll down a little and read. I'll wait here....

Okay well first off I want to say thanks so much for all of the comments. I haven't talked to her yet, but now that I have slept on it and read your notes I feel like I should post again.

I posted last night literally within 5-10 minutes of the phone call and resulting hang up. I was really really upset and all of those feelings were real and raw. This morning I'm feeling a little less lost and emotional about it.
She texted me and asked me why I was mad. She doesn't know. She had a margarita at dinner and was actually a bit drunk. I don't for one second think that she didn't mean what she said. I know she did since people say what they really think when drunk. But I think she didn't mean to say it. I've known for a while that she thinks I should be over this. My mom had/has PCOS and she and my dad both were told they wouldn't be able to have kids. She just accepted it. She never really liked kids that much, and really wasn't upset about it. So even though she knows how much I love children and want a baby, I don't think she understands my sorrow and want.

Anyways I texted her back and told her what she said to me because she didn't remember, and then told her she really hurt my feelings and I never ever expected her to ever say that to me. She wrote back and said she has no clue waht she said and she was so so sorry for hurting my feelings etc. So I wrote HER back (lol sorry) and told her. She hasn't texted me since. So I don't know what's going on but I'm sure she'll call me later.

I don't think our relationship will be forever changed like I thought last night. I think I'll not be talking about the m/c with her anymore, but that is just one other person I suppose!

Thanks again so much for your comments. It made me feel better to know I had reason to be upset and to get a couple pieces of advice to forgive and forget. I'll let yall know what happens...

(Sorry for any typos in these posts. I'm on my phone, so no spell check or patience to look through myself lol!)

Absolutely Dumbfounded

2009-04-13T19:58:00.001-04:00

I'll cut right to it.

I was on the phone with my mom and she said "weren't the pictures of Elizabeth's first Easter cute?" And I said "yeah its great seeing my friends all celebrate their babys' first holidays just like I should be doing" and she said...

"Oh get over it"

Yeah. Seriously. I can't believe it. I promptly hung up so that I wouldn't jeopardize the future possibility that I may ever talk to her again.

My mom is my best friend. We have been so so close. I can always go to her with and for anything. The fact that SHE said that to me has broken my heart and I feel pretty much alone.

And my husband is kinda on her side. He said that yes she really shouldn't have said that, but I shouldn't be mad at her, that she was right for getting upset when I said that.

So basically I have no one. Except Ellen, whom I texted asap and told her what happened. She's the only person who really understands me. And she lives 21 hours away. And you guys.

I mean am I being ridiculous?! SHOULD I be over this?! I mean, yeah it was an early miscarriage and most people don't count it as anything real, but I do and yeah, its has been over a year. But still. I got pregnant, lost it, and have been trying for a whole nother year with NOTHING. I think I deserve to be a little sad still???

Especially seeing my friends dye Easter eggs with their new babies, just like I should be doing?!

I am also so upset that I feel like my relationship with my mother has been altered. Forever. Its been a little strained in the last year because of the m/c and IF but I never in a million years expected her to say that to me. I'll never be able to talk to her the same. Not for a long time anyways...

I just feel really alone and sad right now.

Sisterhood Award!!

2009-04-08T16:48:00.003-04:00

I was given this Sisterhood Award from Tiffany. She is so so sweet and her postings are always so positive and uplifting. I hope that one day I can be as at peace with her self and God when it comes to infertility, and every thing really.

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

1. Ellen of course because she's my sweet cheeks!
2. Loren
3. Liv
4. Mrs. R (great adoption blog if you're interested! Her daily tweets are just as great)
5. Nic
6. Where's Baby (What's your REAL name?!)
7. Alicia
8. Kelli (She's fairly new, go say Hello!)
9. Mrs. Gamgee
10. Parenthood For Me!

Day 1

2009-04-06T14:29:00.002-04:00

So today is CD4. I went to the hospital yesterday to do my CD3 blood work and US. The stupid hospital wanted hundreds of dollars for a copay that I was NOT able OR willing to pay. So I had a bit of a breakdown afterwards going from "WE SHOULDN'T BE PARENTS" to "I HATE THIS PLACE" to lots of other comments and exclamations that I'm sure my husband thought were absolutely absurd. But he happens to be the best husband in the world and instead of getting mad at me for being upset, he stopped at the grocery store and got me my favorite kind of pretzels and a 2 liter diet coke!

I called the doctor on call and he said to be at the office at 8:30 this morning to talk to my nurse and doctor. When I pulled up, my doctor did as well (in a Lexus btw) and she said we could do everything this morning.

So I had CD4 blood work and US today and took my Clomid when I got home!

I am officially taking hormones to help knock myself up. Fun huh?? I also bought Christopher some Zinc to help with motility. My head is hurting a lot though. It has been hurting since CD1 and now is getting worse, if possible.

They're Here!

2009-04-03T15:21:00.005-04:00

I went and picked up my Clomid today! It's CD1! So Sunday I will start! I guess I am going to take it at night because my US and BW is later and I'm not supposed to take it until after the tests. I'm so excited!

Christopher is NOT! I can be an evil witch at AF time, no drugs present. I can't imagine what hell he may face next week!

Also I got my SOCKS! Yaaaay I'm so happy. I don't feel so left out now LOL ;)

Here we go!!

2009-04-02T13:40:00.001-04:00

I had my appointment yesterday for my colposcopy. It was all beningn, YAAY!

So it's official! Clomid starts next cycle, which will be next week. Come on twins, Mommy is waiting on you!!!

Spring Has Sprung!

2009-03-30T14:50:00.004-04:00

Thanks everyone for the supportive comments on yesterday's post! I got home and in bed at 8am and fell immediately asleep and woke up at about 4. Then Christopher brought me some fruit loops (thanks for the idea Ellen!) and made me spaghetti and let me pick out whatever movie I wanted to watch. So we watched Twilight. Again.

I just took my our lab Molleigh for a walk to the mailbox. We live on a dirt road and it's .5 miles from the head of the road to our house. So Molliegh dragged me the whole way there and back and my leg muscles are twitching so bad!!! I never ever work out, so a mile walk is HUGE for me. I really need to lose some weight, so may be I can make this a regular thing. I have 5 dogs, so a different dog a day! But it was so so pretty outside and I just smelled flowers everywhere! It's nice and warm today too. Although Molleigh has obviously forgotten how to walk on a leash, I think she still had fun!

Here are a couple pictures from our walk, and then some previous pictures I have taken of our land and house! Most of them are cell phone quality, sorry!

Here's Molleigh on our walk!

Our house and front yard

Christopher walking ahead on our driveway! Georgie my Beetle Bug is in this pic too ;)

Here is Kain, Maddox, and Molliegh. Kain is Christopher's BFF's dog that we are keeping for a year and a half. The BFF is stationed in North Dakota and can't have the dog in a single soldier barrack, so here he is at our house. So I now house 5 dogs and a cat! BTW Kain is NOT pooping n this picture, he's going to sit down.

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BTW- I still have not received my socks for the sock exchange :( That makes me kinda sad...

March 29th

2009-03-29T03:52:00.004-04:00

It's March 29th. 3:52 in the morning. I am working overnight tonight (if you couldn't tell by my countdown Tweets on the right side) and I am kind of in disbelief.

I can't believe-
I had a miscarriage
It has been one year since my miscarriage
That this actually happened to me
That I am a totally different person and will be for the rest of my life because of this experience
The fog I feel like I am in
The empty feeling
That I'm not really sad right now, just foggy
That a whole entire year has gone by. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months.
I'm not pregnant again yet.
What a horrible dark pit of hell I got into last year.
That I remember exactly how I felt when I woke up that morning, one year ago. Like something was wrong. Like crap. ugh I felt so yucky when I woke up.
That I remember what I was supposed to do that day. I was supposed to be keeping my nieces because my SIL went upstate to visit her mom.
That I remember how sick I felt to my stomach when I saw blood.
That I somehow heard and remember my MIL whispering to my husband in the next room to stay home from work with me because I was scared.
That when my mom came to my house and saw me lying in the bed she immediately started crying and said "You know, don't you?"
The awful ER experience I had.
That I remember walking to the bathroom in the ER barefoot and thinking how gross it was but how I didn't really care.
That the nurse told me to eat an ice cream sundae and I would feel better.
How ironic it was that after she said that, she said "you're still young, just try again." A year later I am still trying.
The way I sobbed uncontrollably everytime I went to the bathroom and had to flush away my baby.
The way I laid on top of my husband and just cried and sobbed and moaned and screamed and yelled and slept.
That horrible feeling I felt. For a long long time. I don't know how I got myself out of it and I don't even want to remember what it felt like because it makes me want to throw up.
That my baby died.

I am glad I am working over night. I want to spend March 29th this exact way, every single year... Sleeping. I will sleep it all away. And I won't talk to anyone and I will mope and feel awful because I'm allowed. My baby's heart stopped beating in my belly one year ago. It could have happened right now. at 4:00am. Or may be it never even started. Who knows. I don't know, and that's half of why this sucks. I don't know anything about that baby that lived inside of me for such a short while except that I loved her with every piece of my soul the SECOND I thought she was in there. And I know that when she was gone it felt like she took that soul with her. Everything was gone. My baby was gone, and that was, is, and will be all I ever ever wanted my entire life.

Will these memories ever go away? Will I ever forget those things that happened?? Will I ever not remember every single detail to the design on my hospital gown? Will I ever forget that dark sad feeling I carried around in my heart for so long? Will I ever have a March 29th and not remember?

Disgusted

2009-03-25T18:49:00.006-04:00

I am absolutely disgusted. I am almost in tears at the moment by the way some people in this world behave.

I was using the Google Machine (IDK why I call it that. It makes me laugh) for 2010 TTC blinkies and came across a baby-gaga.com forum and there were these two girls talking about trying to get pregnant and then continued on talking about how they smoke marijuana to regulate their cycles and ease their cramps. Another girl called them on it and they attacked her and continued to say how they probably won't quit smoking while they are pregnant because there is no evidence that suggests that harm is done to the fetus and one girl goes as far as saying that her BOYFRIEND (not husband, not fiance... not judging sorry, but this girl is obviously immature) 's mom smoked when she was pregnant with him and he's fine and creative. I am not making this crap up. I am serious. So I wrote them back and said

"May be y'all should grow up before you try to get pregnant. That lifestyle wouldn't be healthy for a baby. And really pisses of people that can't get pregnant and would give a baby a good home.
And please visit the March Of Dimes so you can see what smoking does to fetuses. Low birth weight and early birth is not a joke. They can both be life threatening. Y'all obviously aren't mature enough to put another life ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILD'S before you're own. Just wait awhile."

It absolutely INFURIATES me that these kind of girls are getting pregnant and I can't. I'm still trying to process Alicia's blog that I read yesterday from October that she wasn't approved for adoption because she sought medical attention for depression stemming from IF but MONSTERS are able to have and keep all the children they want. It is exactly right. I am just so absolutely heartbroken that a child is going to be born into these peoples' lives one day and that baby is going to grow up in a horrible family and house and will grow into exactly what they know and probably treat other people just as bad. I don't have the most stable household in the world but it sure as hell is better than THAT. My friend Ellen has been told that she probably will never be pregnant and have her own children unless through a 3rd party or adoption. Sharon is going through her umpteenth IVF and it's not looking positive. Alicia, Ellen, Sharon, and I are just 4 very tiny small examples of why this whole thing is just SCREWED UP. I just don't understand why this happens at all. There can be "bad things" in the world but why does bringing poor defenseless babies in horrible homes while there are wonderful homes and parents praying every night for them? I really don't get it at all.

Here's the link if you want to see and/or bitch for yourself- http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about551838.html and read Ellen's blog for her updated post. We're going to be a internet-bitch-slap-team-to-save-babies!

Awful Dreams

2009-03-24T13:45:00.002-04:00

I dream A LOT. Most mornings I wake up feeling exhausted, not rested, because my mind was working all night long. I have nightmares a lot. When I was planning my wedding I had the WORST dreams about things that weren't ready yet. Like I had a dream one night that the guys never got fitted for their tuxes and they all showed up looking like clowns! They had different colored ties and vests than each other, some guy's jackets were way to big and some guy's pants were way too short! I have dreams about my BFF's wedding too! Sometimes I dream about awful awful things that event thinking back on them now make me want to throw up. And they are so so real it's sickening. Barf.

Two nights ago I had a dream that I lost a baby at 40 weeks and no one would monitor her while I was in labor. And I had a dream that I forgot to get all my blood work, US, and start Clomid on day 3. I called to see if I could start a day later. It was awful. I'm not stressing about it! I'm SO EXCITED about starting Clomid. Really weird.

Christopher and I have been talking even more about adoption and we are really really excited about it. It may be something that we might do even if we can get pregnant!

Ouchies

2009-03-18T16:46:00.005-04:00

Today was my colposcopy. The PA did it. I really liked her. She was very nice, talked me through the whole thing, and seemed to care if I had questions! She said there was very little "white spots" in there and only took 4 samples. She also said (TMI!) that when she took them I would bleed, and that is apparently good!

She also read over my chart and said something about my moderate-severe dysplasia last time. My Dr just called it moderate. Ugh I wish she would stop sugar coating everything and just tell me straight up!

I'm not a sore as I was last time thank God, but this time wasn't as bad as last. It's burning a little bit but nothing like 2 years ago. I have an appointment in 2 weeks for results and followup and she said she really didn't think we would have to go any farther. I hope she's right!

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I sent my socks off today for the sock exchange (check out the sidebar!) and I am so excited. I won't say who I have since I don't want to give it away or anything, but I can not WAIT until she receives them!!! And I can't WAIT to get mine!

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I read some of my book, A Few Good Eggs, 2 nights ago. I read more of it than I ever have. It's a GREAT book. It got me thinking about IVF and money and all that. Then Christopher and I had an important conversation last night, and we came to the conclusion that if it ever comes to IVF, that we will skip it and just go straight to adoption. We've both always wanted to adopt, have always talked about it, and Christopher made a point that he thinks if we can't get pregnant on our own then may be God wants us to give a home to an orphaned baby. Is orphan an outdated word??? Feels like it to me...

I don't disagree with IVF one little bit, but I would rather spend that money definitely getting a baby. Having a biological baby and being pregnant is something I of course would like to experience, but is not as important to me as having a baby. I think Christopher has been itching like crazy to talk to me about adopting because he hints about it a lot and about exploded when I brought it up last night. He's asked me before how far we would go before we consider it.

One of my college profs adopted a baby girl and later a baby boy. She was just never able to get pregnant and they tried for like 15 years. I in no way imaginable would mind being like them. They love their babies just as much as any mother & father I've seen with her children.

I don't want to make anyone mad that's going through IVF. I think people doing that are way stronger than I could ever imagine. Adoption is just something I've always thought about and wanted to do, and just something I would rather do than IVF. I know this is all way in the future, and might not even have to happen, but I wanted to make a decision about how far we both agree to go now that we are starting with drugs and treatments.

Blog Award!

2009-03-17T09:26:00.004-04:00

The following is for all my infertility friends...this is something we all can relate too...

This award is for all the infertility women out there who have experienced all or some of the following.....

* If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
* If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
* If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
* If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
* If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
* If you know what a cootercam is
* If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
* If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
* If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "your still young"
* If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
* If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
* If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
* If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
* If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
* If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
* If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
* If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
* If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
* If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
* If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
* If you know what an RE is
* If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
* If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "What is she doing in there?"
* If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
* If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
* If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
* If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
* If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
* If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
* If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up about your situation and to have faith!!!!!!

Rules for posting award:

1. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

2. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

Ellen
Loren
Sharon
Where's Baby?

Thanks so much Pifer Family for this award! I am so excited :)

To Be Excited

2009-03-17T09:20:00.002-04:00

I think I'm ready.

I think I am done being sad. I am ready to be happy again.

I am not so worried about my colposcopy tomorrow like I probably should be, because all I can think about it CLOMID! I am so so excited. I have officially (I guess?) been diagnosed Infertile and all I can do is be excited. It's weird. I know this could not work for me, but that part of my brain is being shut out by my excited part. I don't know what the deal is! I'm not even thinking about getting pregnant this month because I'm so excited about next month.

How crazy am I? I know there will be side effects. I know I'll gain probably 10 pounds. I know I'll be even more hormonally psycho than I am now, but I just am so excited. I don't know why!

On the m/c front, I am working the night shift the 28th, so I will be sleeping all day the 29th, the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I really can't think of a better way to spend it. Sleeping it alllll away.

Another Block In The Road

2009-03-16T18:19:00.001-04:00

I have really shitty luck. I do. Anything that can happen to me or my husband happens. Its ridiculous and obnoxious! He had to have cortisone injections in his back and they nicked the spinal cord and so he had to have a blood patch. One percent of people the blood patch doesn't work. Guess what? He also got bit by a snake once. Who does that? I had a miscarriage, and not all just health wise. Stuff always gets sent to the wrong addresses. My miscarriage happened the one week lapse we had in health insurances. My wedding invitations got sent to an M state the day I took off of work and sat on my porch literally all day waiting for them. My wedding napkins had July 14th instead of 4th... Just lots of weird bad luck.

I went to my appointment today. My pap last month was abnormal. 2 years ago to the MONTH I had an abnormal which led to biopsies and a LEEP procedure to remove moderate dysplasia. Last month was my last every-3-or-6-month-pap and of course it was abnormal. Which I guess is good it was caught and not progressed a whole year. So Wednesday I am having a colposcopy. She said there weren't very many abnormal cells but with my history, she is doing the Colp.

If all that is well, next month I'll be starting CLOMID!!!!!!! I'm really excited. She's starting me all the way at 100! Don't most Drs start at 50?

I am really saddened by the abnormal pap, not because I'm upset about the possible chance for cervical cancer. Again. But it could delay TTCing for another few months.

OH and you know how they said Christopher's SA was fine? Well they LIED! They didn't even get the results until today while I was waiting! His motility is a little low, borderline, but according to her not a make or break situation. So I told him his boys wouldn't get off their barkaloungers ;) extra points for someone who knows what show THAT'S from!!!!!

Frustrated

2009-03-11T19:43:00.003-04:00

My appointment is on Monday. I'm really down. I realized yesterday that my m/c was this month last year and it'd be so nice to be pregnant for it, but now I will just be sad and baby-less. Plus, if I don't get pregnant this month, then (may be, hopefully, one day) I'll have a 2010 baby and not the 2008 baby like I was supposed to. That is 2 years. This process is just supposed to be 9, 10 months. Not over 24. Not over 1203984783 like some of the ladies out there. It is just really frustrating.

COUNTDOWN TO ATLANTA!

2009-03-04T10:09:00.001-05:00

New Layout

2009-03-03T15:55:00.005-05:00

I worked all day on this new layout! I used to do web design. I really miss my old website. I had my own domain! But I don't have it anymore, and I don't have photoshop anymore. Getting used to the HTML took a little while but I made this template to look at what you see here! I am pretty proud of myself! I may be able to get better and better, just depending on how much I work at it. But after an hour or 2, I think I'm happy with this!

My husband is feeling much better today! And Britney is in 2 DAYS! I can't believe it! I am so so so excited to see her! My best friend Emily and I are going and we are meeting 2 friends, Cameron and Kristin who I met years ago when I had a different graphics site on myspace. I've never met them face to face but I love them like I do my "real" friends. They are going to the concert as well. So I am getting to see Britney AND meet the girls in person for the first time!

Cyber friends really are great. I have made some of my best friends through the computer. I have met one girl from my miscarriage board in person, and now I am meeting C&K. I love you guys and I mean it :)

Show And Tell (Plus, SA results, I think?)

2009-03-02T13:48:00.009-05:00

I did this video a long time ago of my dog Cinderella and my other dog Prince Charming. I don't know why but it makes me laugh out loud every single time I watch it. I know it's kinda dark, but it's my favorite thing ever.

This is my new kitty cat, Cisco and his twin borhter Simon who was adopted by my mother in law. I dunno which one is which and I don't know where one ends and the other begins. Sorry for the super crappy phone camera quality.

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In non-pet realted news, I called the doctor's office for the 4th time today and they said they will discuss our SA results with us at my next appoint (the 16th) but the doctor would have called if there was anything significant. So I guess that's good. They annoy me.

PLEASE HELP! I can't find my BG info ANYWHERE AND now my header is not centered! I need serious blog-genious help...

Decisions....

2009-03-01T20:43:00.003-05:00

So I am thinking about going back brunette. We have well water and it makes the blonde so brassy so quickly and it looks white trash 2-3 weeks in. My BFF seems to like it better brown, my husband won't really give me a straight answer, because I think he likes it better blonde, and I get mixed emotions from everyone else. *sigh*. Life is so hard.

Christopher is sick with the flu. I feel so bad for him. He has had a 100+ fever the last 3 days. He went to a doc-in-a-box Friday and they didn't even do a flu test and gave him a Z-Pack. He's still just as sick if not more. He can't eat, he can't sleep, and he doesn't even want to do it. I know he's sick then! ;) He has alllll the flu symptoms, especially the major achy-all-over giveaway symptom. So I am taking him to a REAL doctor tomorrow and having him tested for the flu. It's obviously viral if the anti-biotic isn't working. Dumb "doctors". They are the same people who told him nothing was wrong with his back but when one of my radiologists read the same MRI report said it was BROKEN. I don't know WHY he continues to go back there. But it's OVER! I'm breaking the two of them up.

I am going to go see Britney Spears this week! I am so so so so excited!

Also, I wanted to change my background, but all of a sudden, I can't find the HTML gadget that had the HTML code! IT HAS DISAPPEARED! What the heck man?

Babies

2009-02-28T16:32:00.001-05:00

I love babies. They are so beautiful and loving and smell so sweet and I love when they fuss and then you hold them tight and they stop crying and look at me with big baby eyes. I LOVE IT. I crave it. I want it.

Yesterday my friend's baby came out of Level 2 yaaaay!! She's GREAT and I got to hold her and kiss her and love all over her. She's perfect. My friend's husband and mom went to get some drinks from the cafeteria and we three had a little while together. My friend started telling me she can't believe that I'm not bitter. I told her I'm never bitter about babies. I love babies. She told ne to be completly honest that she knew she wouldn't be able to handle these moments like I have. I told her I love her and the baby more than I am sad. It's the dumb Bs that complain and don't deserve babies who make me mad. I told her I was a litle jealous but not at all bitter towards her.

It's a lot easier for me not to be jealous when I'm consumed in baby love. That baby is so so cuddly and just gorgeous. I'm so happy for them but man it makes me want a baby so so bad.

Another friend of mine is pregnant. She is in her 5th week. She has a son who is one and hasn't been able to get past 6 weeks with her past 2 pregnancies. She confided in me today that she was pregnant (cause I kinda guessed it) and she is so so scared and hasn't told anyone that she was pregnant because her other two didn't work out. Please help me pray for her and her new baby to have a long healthy 9 months.

On kitten news... He doesn't love me. He loves his daddy. And his brother, who belongs to my mother in law, adores me. So sad.

Love Ya!

2009-02-28T13:57:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers Loren was sweet enough to award me with this LOVE YA award!

Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to...
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

1. http://ellenmoore08.blogspot.com/

2. http://sharonvw.wordpress.com/

3. http://aliciamillis.typepad.com/alicia/

4. http://laurensblog.greenfamily.net/ Loren, her hubby, and family need tons of prayers, as they just lost all of their quadruplets

5. http://trying-4-a-baby.blogspot.com/

6. http://the-life-of-liv.blogspot.com/

7. http://theinfertilityjourneytomotherhood.blogspot.com/

8. http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/

New Additions!!!

2009-02-27T07:23:00.003-05:00

This post will be full of new babies, human and not!

We got a kitten! He is so so cute! We adopted him from the SPCA. My mother in law adopted his brother. They are an off white color, may be a super light orange? We can't think of a name for him... He's so slinky! He reminds me of The Grinch when he slides across the floor, cause he does it hehe. He also sleeps with his legs all stretched all the way out. He's so funny.

My friends also had their babies. I went and saw my best friend yesterday. She ended up having to have a csection and the baby wasn't breathing correctly so she's in level 2. My friend didn't see her for 13 HOURS. They wouldn't let my friend go there even after the baby was fine. It was horrible. A mommy needs to bond with her baby. My friend was just seeing pictures that her husband was bringing her and she said she look. Ed and said "that baby's cute. She doesn't look like my baby." It wasn't until she finally held her that she got to bond with her daughter. I am livid. And the baby wouldn't eat until my friend fed her. She knows who her mommy is and she wanted her. Hopefully the baby will be out of level 2 today and I'll get to see her.

So as I sit thete the inevitable feeling crept up. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. All of my friends are becoming mommies and I'm being left behind. The one thing I want more than anything is being slowly ripped away and given to everyone else I know. Watching my friend's husband help her pump and go back and forth to update her on the baby and boast about how fabulous she was in labor... It made my heart ache a lot.

But I have a new kitty now, so I'll just dwell on that.

The Calm After The Storm

2009-02-25T18:15:00.003-05:00

Hahahaha just kidding. I really thought I would get worse of a response from my post yesterday, but I didn't! I was really happy (happy? I'm never happy that we are in this situation) that a lot of other people felt the same as I did. As for the handful of comments against my view, I am glad to read them. I understand where they are coming from, but I just don't feel that way. Like one of the women said, that is the beauty of our sisterhood. I also do understand that I am young and I am at the beginning of this possible years long journey, and for that I am grateful.

Going through a miscarriage I know how it feels. And I will never ever know how it feels never to get pregnant. And those who have never ever gotten a positive pregnancy test will never ever know how it feels to have a miscarriage. So we could go on forever, but we may just have to agree to disagree. I can't think of anything worse to experience in this subject, but that's me!

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Anyways, onward!!! Let's talk about the hubster's SA. He did well, didn't take too long. Hehehe this makes me laugh EVERY TIME I picture it. The boy sat on his knees on the floor because he didn't want to sit on the couch. He said he couldn't imagine all of the naked butts that sat on that couch and when the last time it had been wiped down. So he sat on his knees! I can't help but laugh! Then my BBC friends said they all helped their husband's with there's... I sat that one out because he isn't allowed porn at home so he was like a kid in a candy store. I let him have his fun.

It was also kinda nice to be somewhere where people knew what I was going through and deal with this every day. I really liked the clinic, so I know if I have to start going there as a patient I will feel comfortable.

They said we should get the results within 4 days. If we haven't heard by then, I have to call my doctor's office and get the results. I know my doctor's office and I'm sure I'll be calling them Friday. May be I'll just call them tomorrow... I'm impatient!

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I also want to welcome my BEST FRIEND Emily, she officially found my secret blog. I love her, and have been dying to tell her about it, but she outsmarted me and found it herself. Yaaay Emily :) (She's the one getting married, to all you old-bies)

Also, my 2 friends that got pregnant at the same time, that I may have mentioned toward the very beginning of my blog (you know, when I found out they were both pregnant the same weekend and cried and cried? yeah that one) are in labor today! I am so excited for them and I CAN NOT WAIT to meet Taylor and Elizabeth!

I'm probably going to make some enemies...

2009-02-24T11:12:00.005-05:00

I'm probably going to make some enemies with this post, but it's my blog and I'll say what I want.

I'm having a great time with ICLW this time. It's been a little while since I have done it, and I am enjoying seeing some blogs I didn't before. Some of the stories are AMAZING.

However I have seen a little trend in blogs and on babycenter alike. Women that have never gotten pregnant and they are MAD that they haven't had a miscarriage. Are you freaking kidding me??? For example, there is a girl on babycenter and her signature says "No angels, no m/c, no BFP EVER!".(I have not been back) Holy cow. Would you like to have a dead baby??? I know infertility hurts. It hurts a lot. I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It's not fair, it's frustrating, it hurts a lot. BUT NOTHING IN THIS WORLD hurt EVEN CLOSE to how bad it hurt when I lost my baby.

I don't give a rats butt if I had an early miscarriage. All I've ever wanted to be in my whole entire life was a mommy. I wanted to get married young and have lots of babies. I have people tell me that all the time that they remember when I was little that that's all I ever wanted to be. I love babies more than anything. I have been surrounding myself with kids for as long as I can remember. When I found out I was pregnant, I was the happiest girl on earth. I fell immediately insanely unconditionally in love with that baby. I didn't stop smiling ONCE. I was FINALLY going to be a mommy and I was finally going to have a baby of my OWN. And then when that was just ripped away from me I almost died. I wanted to DIE. I was absolutely uncontrollably SAD that I can't even sit here and explain it.

I know I have a long way to go to be in some of these people's shoes, TTC for years and such, and I know it's shitty and I am so so sorry that ANYONE has to go through this. But I would rather not be able to get pregnant for a long time than ever go through what I went through. I probably sound really naive, but people that actually complain about not having a miscarriage, never having seen a BFP??? SERIOUSLY? You can HAVE my BFP and all the months I cried at a drop of the hat and all the months that my body has been screwed up and the friends that have babies that were born when mine was supposed to. Go ahead. Look at their pictures and pretend that you are happy for them when YOUR baby is supposed to be doing the exact same thing. You can have all the times I flushed my baby down the toilet that week. You can have all the times I had to tell people "oh I'm not pregnant anymore" and you can have all the guilt I have for never knowing if my baby was really okay or killed by my body. Would you want some of my friends' situations?? Carry your baby for 40 weeks and have the baby die the week you're due? Or have the doctor tell you that there is no way your baby is going to survive and having to make the decision to go ahead a deliver? Go through labor and deliver your DEAD baby? Go to your 12 week US and see that your baby died THE DAY BEFORE? Have multiple miscarriages? Feel your baby move in an ambulance and by the time you get upstairs to L&D your baby no longer has a heartbeat? HAVE AT IT. Because it sucks and I don't want it, and I'm sure anyone who has been through it doesn't either.

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Okay so anyway! Christopher's SA is today! I think he's nervous now. He was okay with it until yesterday when he actually realized what he's going to have to do. But he's a trooper. He wants a baby as much, if not more, than I do.

I rubbed them!

2009-02-23T08:32:00.002-05:00

Well I rubbed them! It was fun! I felt silly when there were people there, so we waited until we were alone to rub them. The museum opened at 10 and we were there at 11 and there were already like 10-15 people that signed in before me that day to see them! And they were from all over the east. It was exciting!

We then went to Margaritaville and ate overprices food and drank overpriced margaritas and walked around Broadway At The Beach. On the way home we stopped at a Goodwill and I found the most FABULOUS painting for my living room! I was so excited!

So all in all we had a GREAT time and I just LOVED spending time with Christopher. I felt like we did when we went to Disney on our honeymoon. We had a little adventure together and had the most fabulous time just being together and doing something new. This trip was the best idea I've had in a long long time!

I'm going to rub them!

2009-02-21T12:32:00.003-05:00

Yes we are going.

Tomorrow Christopher and I are packing up to drive 2 hours to Myrtle Beach to rub the FAMOUS African Fertility Statues and then driving back.

I really don't know if I believe in their authenticity. I mean, they are at RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT. And whether I believe it or not, I'm going to rub on those bad boys cause I want a baby. My mom thinks it's unchristian... I think it's just a bunch of fun. Christopher and I haven't done anything spontaneous and cool in forever. This will be something I will remember for a long time, whether it works or not.

I Love When My Husband Stands At My Head...

2009-02-16T19:35:00.004-05:00

So today was the DOCTORS APPOINTMENT!!! Dum dum dum dum....

Anyways, we waiting for like an hour and a half... She was so freaking behind and calling back patients every 10 minutes, which means she was NOT giving them the time of day I am sure. I went back, still gaining weight, changed...

Christopher said that in the chair in the examing room they should have men's magazine's not women's. I thought that was a good valid point.

Then she came in and the husband, as strong and brave as he is, jumped from the foot of the bed in his chair to my head in a flash. I guess he doesn't want to see anything go in there that doesn't belong to him? He's going to get a rude awakening when this bumpy TTC road is up and there is a 15lb baby squeezing out... He thinks a speculum is bad... I talked as quickly as I could while she examined. She was really really nice and stayed to talk for minute. I was surprised! Pleasantly surprised!!

She said she wasn't worried about my eggs since I am so young. This age group she is worried about tubes and semen. So she ordered Christopher a semen analysis and said she would do a whole entire blood and hormone work up on me as well as order a HSG, but mentioned that they are really expensive. So we went ahead and got a script for the SA and I made an appointment. I am going back next month to talk to her about a game plan. This was just a yearly, so she didn't have time to go into a lot today. And I'm okay with that. We got a lot done, she was really helpful, and I have 2 things to look forward to!

The SA is at a fertility clinic down here and I am going to go with Christopher. I really want to see what it's all about and get some literature in case I end up a patient there. I am also excited about my HSG. I know that sounds weird... But I am an xray tech and I do them a lot. I am really excited to see my own insides up there on that double screen!!!!!

Also I bought "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility" and "A Few Good Eggs". Both offer equally good and LOL fun. I know TKOYF isn't SUPPOSED to make you laugh, but seriously. Have you seen it? May be my brain is stuck in 5th grade, but the lady crouching and sticking her finger inside to check her CM made me laugh out loud.

Christopher will forever be scarred by the words "Cervical Mucous."

Are you seriously kidding me right now?

2009-02-15T10:30:00.003-05:00

I was at the bookstore yesterday looking for some good infertility books since I love obsessing over everything I possibly can. I stumbled upon the pregnancy books since I've heard horror stories of Infertility books being in the Pregnancy section.
This is what I found....

My Purse

2009-02-11T15:11:00.004-05:00

Thank you Loren for this fun-TABULOUS tag!!!

Question 1: Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.

Vera Bradley Cupcake Pink Lisa B

Question 2: I want to know how much it cost:) And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it. Also, what's inside your purse?
The purse costs $63. I work in a Vera Bradley store though, and I got is 50% off!!

Here is what is IN my purse:
- Vera Bradley Raspberry Fizz 2009 Planner
- Vera Bradley Raspberry Fizz All-In-One Wristlet (By far the best wallet EVER made)
- Vera Bradley Cupcake Pink Cosmetic Bag (full of Victoria Secret LIP GLOSSES!!!)
- Vera Bradley Apple Green Coin Purse (which is supposed to house my camera, which I have LOST!! Otherwise you'd be getting pictures!)
- Vera Bradley Hope Garden Nail File with holder
- Vera Bradley Raspberry Fizz Pocket Papers (GREAT for when I just need to jot something down really fast!)
- Pink iPod Nano
- Spring Valley Prenatal Vitamins
- Vera Bradley Peacock jewelry Roll
- Packet of safety pins
- Tampon
- Vera Bradley Cupcake Pink tape measure
- Pens
- Pink travel brush
- L & R(2) xray markers
- Light up heart valentine earrings
- Earrings (should probably put those in my jewelry roll...)
- Brighton charm bracelet

I obviously have a Vera problem....

Question 3: Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your diaper bag/non-diaper bag purse.
If you haven't already done this, consider yourslef tagged!!!